The Hardship Diary

I told myself and my then girlfriend around the end of 2011 that 2012 would be the year for me, but it really wasn't. I suffered quite a lot of hardship...I got sacked from my job because of a vendetta against me by many other staff members, causing me to be unemployed for a number of months, making it extremely tough in my shared house situation and being able to take care of myself and my then girlfriend. Being out a job also caused me to max out my credit card and cause a lot of financial problems. 2012 saw me move no less than 5 times, yes 5 different places in a year...I eventually gained a job, with Tesco's, but then encountered the biggest idiot I've ever known and he made is so hard for me to enjoy my job as a whole, on top of that I didn't feel appreciated by the managers and colleagues. Despite my enthusiastic work ethic and positive personality. I felt vindicated. Eventually, I transferred stores. I hated the feeling of "running away" but I saw no other way to resolve the situation. I had many problems with house sharing....I've met some of the most vile and ignorant people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. To have my ex girlfriend experience their presence also saddens me....some terrible people, really :/ I also experienced a horrible breakup with my then girlfriend. After months of uncertainty and pain, I eventually won her back and proved my love for her and we got back together. The end of 2012 was truly a heartbreaking occasion. I was staying in a house with a guy who smoked weed all the time and another guy who was so passive he may as well have been a ghost, as nice as he was....One of the most upsetting experiences was spending Christmas all by myself....my exes parents having not allowed me to spend it with her at her home, I was devastated. New year celebrations were even worse....the reason I gave up drinking was decided on various events that happened that night, so much drama and heartbreak I cant even express...


 So then I vowed to myself that 2013 will be my year! Its got to be, something has to give, I will make damn sure of it. But alas, the first 4 months have been pretty pants...I lost a best friend, due to accusations and harsh words by him, so much so, that I couldn't bring myself to reconcile. I then lost my girlfriend after so many lies, lack of commitment and happiness, it was mutual, but heartbreaking. I moved out of that terrible weed smoking house into another house, which seemed really lovely. But if you follow my Facebook updates, you will see that I am due to move yet again....and this house is so lovely...very shortly after my housemates told me they want me out, I got news that one of my closest uncles died...I feel like life wont stop hitting me, but I am determined not to falter, and I will carry on trying to do the best I can to be the best person I can be.


 Despite all this hardship, bad luck and horrible circumstances, I have worked hard to maintain a positive outlook on my life and this has caused me to be offered a promotion, allowed me to find my passion for working out, general fitness and most passionately, kickboxing. I work hard to stay fit and strong, this propels my willpower so much. I'm also making a lot more new friends, but I am still yet to form closer bonds, but with the summer coming up, I really hope to solidify bonds with some of the people I have met recently, as there are really lovely people I know in this world. I just sometimes feel like I care too much, or perhaps they are just a lot more busier than me....All I seek is empathy and support from those close to me. I know I can be a handful and at times I am known to be an intense person. But if you forgive me for that, I am dedicated and hardworking and great company! But sometimes I feel like people give up on me far too easily and often they fail to give me a chance or communicate their feelings clearly and allow the feedback to shape my perspective.


 I am really going to work hard to make the second half of this year truly amazing. I've worked extremely hard on myself and seen some wonderful changes, both physically and mentally. I wont allow people to bring me down and I feel pity on those who would give up on me, because I am constantly trying to become a better person every single day and I like to think that they will miss out on my company, inspiration and general positive nature. 2013 will be my year, just you watch I say the same to everyone who has taken time to read this, if you want 2013 to be your year, then you can make it so. Find out what changes you can make to be the best you can be and make your life even more awesome. Embrace the people around you and also embrace some things you have been longing to do, have faith and chase your dreams. If you are reading this, then chances are I care about you somewhat, so please remember that I'm always here to chat to, and I like to think that I have a lot of knowledge, wisdom and silly times to share with you :D

 I am the seeker of happiness and 2013 will be my year

Quixotic Quandary

So, the title of my post pretty much sums up how I feel. Actually, it defines what I have been feeling for some time, if not, most of my whole adult life. I feel like I am wandering around in my life without any real sense of direction. When I lost my full time job a couple of months ago, I began to experience the financial strain that life can impose upon you. Its proven to be an incredibly tough time. I have recently gained a position at Tescos, which is not anything to be raving from the rooftops about, but its something stable. Something I be proud of perhaps, if I learn anything. However, it still isnt full time time, but it is guaranteed income to a degree. I hate having to worry about money. I was born and grew up in poverty, pretty much. As an adult, it sadness and depresses me that I have to struggle with money once again. There will be a time when I really wont have to think about money at all. I can just live life without the fear of what kind of destruction money can cause. What upsets me even more is that money was invented by man. We are slowly destroying this earth....little do we realise it :/ Another big theme lately is procrastination. Oh how time fleets and evades us. We pass it every waking second and succumb to it in every sleeping minute. We are quite happily (or not so) drifting through life, working, learning and forging new experiences for ourselves. But are we truly embracing what it is to live? Do you have a hobby or a quenching desire to throw yourself into something thrilling and amazing? I lose count of all the hobbies I have, yet there is still so much I want to experience, to try and to learn. I thirst for more, all the time, I can never get enough. However, these thoughts often overwhelm me, and strangely enough, slow me down. I overload my thoughts so much that I lose focus and I stutter. Im no longer persuing what I really want to achieve, but I feel dragged down by the expectations I have of myself. I procrastinate, I hold my hands up, I am guilty by admittance and exposed with proof. These last few months have dragged, Ive wandered through the quandary waist deep, my goal in sight, but ever escaping my grasp. Perhaps I like the idealism of wanting to achieve many things that I distract myself from what I truly mean. Im holding myself back and I only have myself to blame. Please learn from me, and dont get caught up in the mistakes I have. If you want something, dont lose focus. I constantly wonder about my life and the decisions I have made. The paths Ive taken and the feelings Ive felt. I wouldnt ever change what I have chosen to do, or what life has dictated for me. I learn from every aspect of life, I challenge it. I dont just bend over and let life take me for a ride. I am wholly responsible for the position I am in today. Im not doing too bad for myself. Of course, as most people say, it could be worse. It really could be. Right now, I know a handful of people who are currently suffering in scenarios that I would hate to be in. I live comparatively and that reminds me never to be too selfish for any length of time. I am a very selfless person most of the time, but as long as I am aware of the lives of my friends, I am constantly grateful for the life I am living. Right now there are two guys who are extremely close to me, and who have inspired me to a degree in which I cannot express. Their support is magnified by the frequent contact they give to me. I cannot be any more thankful unless I had more resources at my disposal. These two friends will always have my gratitude, for the rest of my life :) Of course the biggest thanks goes to my lovely, amazing girlfriend. I never thought someone could care about me to such a degree in which I feel like the most important person in their world. She has truly shown me what it is to care for someone, support someone through any troubling times that may arise in life and of course embrace the excitement and adventures of a lifetime! She has shown me that it is possible to love again :)

The Seeker of Happiness returns!

Its been too long....again. Life has thrown me a fair few obstacles, which have proven difficult for the path I have planned for myself. I always find that in life, there are distractions and downfalls. Distractions, in which the responsibility lies with yourself, is one that plagues us all. We just have to remain focused and always keep in our mind what our ultimate goal is. Downfalls sometimes cant be helped and are an even bigger glaring problem. The method here would be to try and deal with such a problem the best you can, then once you have overcome whatever has tried to strike you down, carry on down the path to happiness. With dedication and perseverance, you will accomplish any goal you set yourself!

So here is a few things Ive faced recently:

INCIDENT - I lost my job - This is why I have been on Facebook a lot more recently

ACTION - I didnt waiver, I felt sad at first. But then I decided to just enjoy the free time I had! Then once I overcome the unfortunate situation, I went to a work agency and they have been giving me constant work ever since. I fixed a problem from one of lifes downfalls. Which proves my theory in my opening paragraph :)

INCIDENT - The council have deemed my house not fit to live in and we all have to be out at the end of the month. We were all supposed to move into an empty house with the same agency. But 2 of my housemates had a bust up and now we arent moving into the empty house!

ACTION - I tried not to fret. I simply looked at my finances, despite not yet having consistant, full-time work. I looked at available options and evaluated my budget and how much I could afford. I went to view a house yesterday and it looks promising. I wont be homeless at the end of the month and the house I went to see was so LUSH!

These are two of the major downfalls in my life right now. But I seemed to have dealt with them incredibly well. Having Kirsty to support me was really lovely too. She helped me retain my confidence and helped me see the strength I possess within myself. Im a survivor, I can deal with most shit life hands me.

Project Sylo hasnt been going all too well due to this, sadly. But once I move into my new house, I should feel fresh and ready to carry on with improving myself. I apologise this hasnt been a long update, but I just wanted to let you know what has been going on in my life for the past month or so. I missing writing and I feel a little better now I have typed this. I hope you are all well and your lives are going great. Im around on facebook, so if you do wanna chat, about anything at all, then dont hesitate to message me and I will be more than happy to chat :)

Hello and Project Sylo!

If you're reading this Im assuming you clicked the link from my Facebook status yes? Well, thanks you. Its been a crazy long time since I last wrote an entry, I dont want to even think of the frustration I feel. I have lost touch with words, and words have more meaning than a definition in some dictionary. They are what connects us all. Im also aware that there are probably people reading this who have only got to know me recently. Again, thank you. I really appreciate people who have time to want to know me better and see my opinion of the world and its wonderful attractions. Its a welcoming thought in a world thats seemingly so full of disdain.

Whats new? Well Ive been wasting away (not physically!) and not really doing much. I only have myself to blame and Ive moaned on here before about not grasping the motivation to seek out what I am so passionate about. I constantly feel like Im not using the entirety of my mental capacity. There are so many experiences that I want to experience, so much I want to see and learn.

Im also now single. Yep. Such is a shame. But I think sometimes we can all fool ourselves into think we have found what we've been looking for. Ever since my life was destroyed by my ex, Ive been searching for that one person who would be a blessing and complete my life and fill me with happiness, but as Im the seeker of happiness, naturally, it like to evade me. Love is an unconditional variable, so you can never really expect anything. I have a whole entry dedicated to "love" and its mysteries. In fact, I actually have a rather unique theory on love. So if you continue to read my blog, you will soon find out what that magnificent unique view is!

Its 2012, its a new year, and apparently the last year that we will live, apparently according to the mathematics of the Mayans (cheers guys!) Time to unleash my true potential.

Introducing "PROJECT SYLO"

SYLO is actually an acronym that stands for "Sort Your Life Out" It just happens to sound pretty cool too haha :P
The following quote is from an InMe song and I use it to gain inspiration and motivation. Haters will always hate, but with this mindset, I cant fail :)

"I wont ever be distracted by the ones who want me to fail"

I will keep this in mind each and everyday, and especially moreso if I have some particularly bad days where I feel pretty rubbish about myself.

A long list is about to follow, dont let this scare you! Its just double spaced :P These are all the goals I hope to achieve in due time. Project Sylo is not a new years resolution, its a constant, every changing, adaptive life long plan for me. Its focus is to help me become a better, faster, stronger and more dedicated person. It helps me put into perspect all the goals I want to grasp in my lifetime.

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DISALLOWED

No chocolate/cakes/biscuits etc

No Microwave meals or pizza

Basically no CRAP

No carbonated drinks
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Achieve a body similar to Craig Horner's

No eating after 11pm

In bed by 1am latest

300 situps a day

Keep to a strict healthy, high protein diet

Workouts VERY regularly

Get to a dentist and sort teeth out

Save at least £65 a week in 2011

Have a nice relaxing bath once a week

Write more poetry

Learn Archery

Learn Kickboxing

Write stories/blog more

Draw shapes/abstract

Read more!!

Complete the Sword of Truth bookset by Terry Goodkind (13
books!)

Play scrabble competitively

Learn more Swedish

Get at least 2 professional photoshoots

Visit one place in the world I havent been

Travel most of europe/world next summer

Save £5000 for next summer

Become involved in a charity

Raise money for charity

Start a video log

Drink at least 1.5 litres of water per day

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So thats what I have so far! Please let me know your thoughts/opinions on my Project Sylo! I aim to regularly update on how sylo is going and any challenges I face, so you wont be in the dark. Hopefully you will gain some inspiration from this.

I know this is a pretty brief entry. But I just felt like I should say Hey, get back into writing and introduce sylo to my new friends who keep asking what the hell it is! :P

I am the Seeker of Happiness and my journey continues. For each person who has read this, thank you. I really appreciate your time and effort into understanding me better. I hope that we'll become even more awesome friends in time :)

Wading through the Quandary of Ambivalence

I know I have not posted for many months, and I do feel slightly guilty about this. I feel like I am wasting my writing talent by not using them effectively and as freely as I should. I also feel that perhaps many do not care much for what I have on my mind, my opinions or indeed the way I feel. I cant see exactly who views this, the number of different people who read it, I only have my judgement based on the people in my life. If you are reading this now, then I thank you. I feel like you care to some degree, or are just curious as to what I have to say after many months. Perhaps I have new readers, since accumulating more friends via facebook and such. If so, then welcome.

So, in these last few months I have achieved the following:

- Spent a month in Spain (without getting homesick)

- Procured a lovely girlfriend, her name is Kirsty; she's lovely and amazing.

- Almost maxed out my credit card (oops! But we all have debts somewhere)

- Been to a few gigs. Enter Shikari and Dave McPherson

- Puchased tickets to numerous events, such as the Final Fantasy Orchestral performance in London, Derren Brown etc.

- Learned a whole lot more about myself, the world around me and the people who inhabit it also.

- Procrastinated

So maybe not a whole lot, but having a girlfriend certainly changes my life and brings me a lot more happiness and positive energy.

Im not even sure what to talk about or where to start. I feel my writing style has left me, but Im sure it shall return the more I write. Which I plan to, as I thoroughly enjoy writing, especially if there are people who appreciate reading what I have to write :)

Lately I have been wading through a quandary of ambivalence. One which I am not too proud of, or happy about. It seems I am having a hard time with Project Sylo (for those who dont know what that is, please search for one of my first blog entries) I am lacking the motivation to get it kick started. I am also indulging one of my worst habits, which is wasting time. I really dislike time being wasted...If I feel like I am not doing anything creative, or such activity that improves my life to some degree, then I feel that the time just spent has been lost to procrastination or whatever force should apply. I do not need tips or criticism as to how I should behave in accordance to my feelings. I know and fully accept my responsibility for the actions I have taken.I see how much potential I have, the things I can achieve and how great I can be. But, at times, it feels like Im at the bottom of a HUGE cliff, and have NO idea of how to scale it. Sure, I may have faith and the knowledge of how to accomplish this task, but I dont necessary have the equipment needed to complete it. I feel like there is something missing perhaps...a certain motivative feature, or the knowledge of the method or the execution or order of how things should progress.

I am certain that very soon, I will just gather all the might and motivation I have and get myself kick started and stop indulging myself into procrastination. I am far from lazy, but I feel like there is some unseen force that is constantly attempting to strip me of my willpower, and it makes me feel somewhat useless.

I do apologise that this entry isnt all too positive and constructive. I just needed to express my thoughts in a manner in which I would feel that counteracts my procrastination as of late. I will be back to my normal self as soon as I can snap out of this strange mood I seem to have characteristically wondered into.

I am the Seeker of Happiness and my journey continues.



"I'm not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"



- We all have the power to change who we are, are you strong enough?

Surprising stresses, stutters sequaciousness

Hello kind and lovely readers (yes, readers, because its descript to what you are doing and also because of the context!) But also many of you are my friends, people who I see regularly, and other people who I dont get to see much (sadly) To those who are new to my blog, welcome and I really hope you enjoy this spectacular, intricate and slightly fascinating glimpse into my Utopia. This is my safe haven where I get to unleash the troubles and tribulations of my mental state. I do hope you appreciate and enjoy what I write, because every person who reads this blog, inspires me deeply, especially as I know that the people who read this, are people who care about me, in some degree. For those who dont particularly like me, may I ask, why do you read this? Okay, enough with the unequivocal statements. What have I been up to....?!

So its the middle of July, just into the second half of the year now. I have mixed feelings as to how I felt this year has gone so far. I have moved from Manchester in February, and have sinced moved twice since being down here, which makes my current accommodation, my third place since being in Cardiff. Is that a good thing? Perhaps...Im not used to settling down, but I wouldnt say that I am fleeing when things dont work out. I just simply know when to cut my loses and jump at an opportunity which creates a better quality of life for myself. One of the bonuses of living where I am now, is that its £100 cheaper a month, maybe even more (depending on cost of bills). Within a 12 month contract, over the course of a year, thats a saving of £1200 without even trying! So Ive already saved myself a huge amount of money. There isnt Internet yet, but I believe there is more to life than being connected to a cyber world as opposed to the real thing. This gives me the chance and more importantly, the kick up the bloody arse to get my project sylo started, properly. No more fucking around this time :)

Overall, Im feeling generally happy. Those who care about me, keep in touch via text messages, which is very much appreciated btw. If you dont have my number and do wish to have it, then please dont hesitate to message me on Facebook or whatever. Im still failing to have any luck or possess any skill to actually maintain the interest of a girl. There was a scenario recently that had potential to flourish and manifest into something pretty fun and amazing, but alas, Im assuming the feeling isnt mutual, as I havent heard anything back from this girl regarding our current situation. But as Ive said in past entries (or at least Im sure I have!) that having the pleasure to be in the company of such an amazing girl is only a fraction of the happiness you can own. This lovely girl who makes me feel so amazing about myself must only add to my already existing happiness, it would be incredibly foolish to allow myself to let a girl possess complete functionality of my happiness. Ambivalence is in abundance, but my sequaciousness creates conflict in some areas of my life. Decisions have to be made, but in order to execute this process, I must first hold the knowledge which will help me make the right decisions for myself. Im still remaining positive that one day, there will be this almighty lovely, incredibly fun and beautiful girl that will lure my heart to the fields of paradise. The more a person gets to know me, the more I open up and trust. With me, what you see ISNT what you get, because first I must know what there is to be gained, otherwise my efforts might not appreciated with the girl I wish to show them to. Im hoping Im making some sense here! Its been a while since Ive wrote an entry. My technical style is waning and a more common approach is appearing.

Sadly, I did not get the job for management training. Yes, this is slightly bad news. But I dont plan on serving people pizzas for the rest of my life. I was just hoping that I could gain some experience along my journey to be a counsellor. During the interview process I learned a lot about myself from my perspective and also from the prospective of the upper echelons of the pizza hut company. They shone a torch on some issues which I was blind to before. This is handy to know. As most of you know what project sylo is, this information is seriously useful for my ongoing journey to better myself and become more understanding and become a good person.
I have allowed myself to wade through the waters on ambivalence for far, far, far too long now. I do feel utterly ashamed. One my extreme pet hates is wasting time. I cannot stand entertaining any activity in which I believe is a waste of time. Im not entirely sure exactly how I pertain to guage whether what I do is wasting time or not, I just somehow know. I look back in the last 12 months, and think, "If I started this back then, I could have achieved this by now" This makes me graciously upset. I KNOW my potential and I KNOW what I am capable of. Yet day by day, I let this potential slip and slide down the awesome waterfall of fuck my life! Dont get me wrong, Im not depressed about this or about to KO myself or anything bloody ridiculous :P Its just something Ive picked up on, and I will NOT allow myself to continue this charade of masquerading any longer. If I am to be serious about my project, then I must follow it pedantically and adhere to every amendment. Otherwise my potential is being put on the sideline and everyday wasted is a day where I am one more step away from achieving what I set out to do. For those of you who are not aware of project sylo, I shall post it up as a new blog entry a day after I have posted this one, (So basically, tomorrow!)

In closing for this entry I want to say that I hope you are using your own potential to meet your goals and your needs. We all have the power to tap into a side of us that is an incredible and awe-inspiring. We can become faster, stronger, healthier. We can attain to the superlatives and surpass ourselves. We can use our desire and passion to fuel our dedication to become a better 'version' of who we are today. Because the world is constantly changing, people around us are constantly changing, what are we doing to change ourselves exactly? If you have that desire, and you possess that passion, reach for the skies, travel to your utopian world and do what it takes to release a potential inside of you which has perhaps lain dormant most of your life, if not all of it.

I once said something to someone I used to care about, and it was this "I feel like a tree thats falling in the woods, no one can hear me, no one cares." Well, now I have an answer - Be the biggest, most beautiful tree anywhere in the woods. Be the tree that gets noticed from miles away, that attracts many visitors who appreciate what an amazing tree you are. Just because you're a person among millions in this world, doesnt mean that you cant be seen or heard. There will always be someone in this world who will listen to you, no matter how far away you are. There are people in this world who will care about you, no matter how often you see them. There are people in your life who will ALWAYS remember the time you shared together. If you are reading this, and you know that we have shared a special time together, just know that I hold the time we shared in my heart and I appreciated every minute that was spent in your world.
Its 1:26am as I finish this entry. Yes I know Im breaking project sylo, but alas, a worthy sacrifice! Goodnight you amazing people :) x

A Higher State of Mind

Wow....so its been almost 20 days since Ive last made an update....I feel out of touch with you readers. I often wonder if you miss reading my blog and if you enjoy what I write, even though I can be quite technical in the way I write things. Well this entry is going to be an insight into my person life. Ive experienced a hell of a lot in the last 3 weeks that really need to be expressed to you, and hopefully you will learn something, but more importantly it gives you a chance to get to know me better :)

I really feel that now, I have settled into Cardiff, and almost adapted to the lifestyle and people that live here.I feel that Cardiff has enabled me to build on my emotional foundations and shape a new perspective. In the last few weeks, I feel like I have evolved, in a sense. I am more in control of my emotions, the choices I make, the reasons I make them and most importantly the ability to handle my insecurities better.

Right now, Im feeling the most positive I have felt for a very long time, and Im really proud of myself and my integrity. Anyone who has seen me ride through the god awful shitstorms Ive endured will know how much these feelings mean to me now. The reason why Im feeling more positive is because Ive learned to just let go and live life, dont question things, but to just simply embrace them. Experienced are there to be shared and cherished, not questioned and under siege. Ive even had friends comment on how positive Im becoming and that my life seems pretty awesome now. Positivity is the way forward people!

Im going to list some amazing reasons why my life is awesome, for me to see and aknowledge and also for you to get an idea of what my life is like currently.

- I have an amazing job, which is remarkably flexible and really great pay

- I have FINALLY nailed my financial accounts. Money problems no longer exist (No, you cant borrow a tenner, FUCK OFF!) :P

- I have joined a website www.couchsurfing.org and have hosted people from around the world at my home

- I am constantly meeting new people and expanding my social network. Cardiff is a VERY friendly city :)

- Because I am feeling more positive, Im having much more happier experiences with all the people around me (bar the current housemate situation, more on that in a bizzle, nizzle!)

Hmm...okay, I suck at bullet points, my need for including detail goes beyond the fathoms of bullet points!

Okay, so a big update. Im moving house! Yes, this was entirely my decision :) I realise that living here is seriously restricting my freedom and the ability to evolve and be completely honest to who I am. I dont want to have to gold back on my personality and who I am because it doesnt seem to fit into the general personality of the household. Personally the people I currently live with are boring shits! Not much more can be said really :/ I should be meeting with the other new tenants to this house in the next couple of days to sign the contract etc. One guy works at a casino, one girl studies criminology, another girl is studying english language, having conversations with her is SO going to fascinate me, we can bore the rest of the house with our awesome leet skills haha! These new people seem really awesome, and hopefully I'll fit in well in this new house :)

Also, another major update! There is a very high chance I will be going to Seville (Southern Spain) to work at a backpackers hostel for a WHOLE MONTH! Yeah, you read that right! It seems a bit scary right now, but they have accepted my application and have welcomed me to work there. I have planned to go in Mid August, until the week before my birthday. I still have to sort a few things out and confirm it further, but yeah :D Seville is also meant to be amazingly hot in august, almost 40 degrees! :O

Hmmm...I dont think this needs to be a really long and in depth entry. Ive kinda got side tracked by the whole Seville thing...Im really excited about it!

I will definitely update a LOT more than I have been doing. So I do apologise for not posting more content, you can shoot me later. I hope that you enjoy reading my entries and really appreciate what I have to type and share with you. I know that this is slightly less technical than my normal entries, but I dont want to distance people with the strange typing style I apparently have O.o Ive recently found out that there are quite a lot of people who read my blog, which makes me very happy that people are wanting to be a part of my life, whether you talk to me everyday or just a couple of times a week. The fact that you read my blog tells me that you care about me, and for this, I thank you :)

Ive definitely got a load more things to talk about, but this is it for now Im sorry to say :( I miss my friends terribly and I always look forward to talking with you very soon. Dont be shy to strike up a conversation with me, whether its through msn/facebook or by text. I always have time for you lovely, amazing people :D