Quixotic Quandary

So, the title of my post pretty much sums up how I feel. Actually, it defines what I have been feeling for some time, if not, most of my whole adult life. I feel like I am wandering around in my life without any real sense of direction. When I lost my full time job a couple of months ago, I began to experience the financial strain that life can impose upon you. Its proven to be an incredibly tough time. I have recently gained a position at Tescos, which is not anything to be raving from the rooftops about, but its something stable. Something I be proud of perhaps, if I learn anything. However, it still isnt full time time, but it is guaranteed income to a degree. I hate having to worry about money. I was born and grew up in poverty, pretty much. As an adult, it sadness and depresses me that I have to struggle with money once again. There will be a time when I really wont have to think about money at all. I can just live life without the fear of what kind of destruction money can cause. What upsets me even more is that money was invented by man. We are slowly destroying this earth....little do we realise it :/ Another big theme lately is procrastination. Oh how time fleets and evades us. We pass it every waking second and succumb to it in every sleeping minute. We are quite happily (or not so) drifting through life, working, learning and forging new experiences for ourselves. But are we truly embracing what it is to live? Do you have a hobby or a quenching desire to throw yourself into something thrilling and amazing? I lose count of all the hobbies I have, yet there is still so much I want to experience, to try and to learn. I thirst for more, all the time, I can never get enough. However, these thoughts often overwhelm me, and strangely enough, slow me down. I overload my thoughts so much that I lose focus and I stutter. Im no longer persuing what I really want to achieve, but I feel dragged down by the expectations I have of myself. I procrastinate, I hold my hands up, I am guilty by admittance and exposed with proof. These last few months have dragged, Ive wandered through the quandary waist deep, my goal in sight, but ever escaping my grasp. Perhaps I like the idealism of wanting to achieve many things that I distract myself from what I truly mean. Im holding myself back and I only have myself to blame. Please learn from me, and dont get caught up in the mistakes I have. If you want something, dont lose focus. I constantly wonder about my life and the decisions I have made. The paths Ive taken and the feelings Ive felt. I wouldnt ever change what I have chosen to do, or what life has dictated for me. I learn from every aspect of life, I challenge it. I dont just bend over and let life take me for a ride. I am wholly responsible for the position I am in today. Im not doing too bad for myself. Of course, as most people say, it could be worse. It really could be. Right now, I know a handful of people who are currently suffering in scenarios that I would hate to be in. I live comparatively and that reminds me never to be too selfish for any length of time. I am a very selfless person most of the time, but as long as I am aware of the lives of my friends, I am constantly grateful for the life I am living. Right now there are two guys who are extremely close to me, and who have inspired me to a degree in which I cannot express. Their support is magnified by the frequent contact they give to me. I cannot be any more thankful unless I had more resources at my disposal. These two friends will always have my gratitude, for the rest of my life :) Of course the biggest thanks goes to my lovely, amazing girlfriend. I never thought someone could care about me to such a degree in which I feel like the most important person in their world. She has truly shown me what it is to care for someone, support someone through any troubling times that may arise in life and of course embrace the excitement and adventures of a lifetime! She has shown me that it is possible to love again :)

A Distorted Membrane

First of all, I ask you who are reading to forgive me for the delay in updating. Its shocking to see how quick a week passes by without too much notice. I have already said that Sylo has granted me less time to myself, so its difficult to jam everything in, so my time management will need to be ammended in due time!

I had the most strangest dream last night...My 'idol' (I dont tend to idolise anyone though really) Dave McPherson was apparent in my dream a LOT. I remember briefly talking to him on msn, and I remember being at his house, or at least a house he had to use for this party. I remember other fans and I think some of my friends were there too. I remember there being a lot of chaos, but alas, I cannot remember what exactly happened, which is a shame. Its the first time Ive dreamt about someone famous. I still remember meeting Dave back in January...that was such an epic moment in my life, sounds sad I know. I'll blog about it another day. This is just in relation to my blog title.

Its quite strange actually...In my dreams, I never really dream too far beyond reality. Its grounded but with a hint of distortion. Such as real people and places...but with scenarios that would, or could never happen. Yet as I walk this earth with my eyes open and conscious clear, I am constantly dreaming of a utopian world that not just me, but I believe the whole world desires. I dont really have many selfish needs, especially since my project has started, Ive given up a lot of greed and other sins. Things such as an end to war, war is a product of political advancement anyway, so it doesnt make a lot of sense. Famine, starvation, homelessness...all these need to be fixed. I find it difficult to think of an ideal selfish object or ideal that I could possess in my utopian world. So I believe I hold a view that many share also.

Do any of you reading this feel this way? Dont be afraid to question it, the gain is to understand more about yourself. I just find it interesting how I dream about reality, but in reality I dream.

I'd like to talk about something which I have found very frustrating during my two weeks of project Sylo...I am very shocked at how expensive 'good' food is. Going round multiple shops and supermarkets, the rising cost of food is almost extortionate. I just could not believe how expensive food has become. Tuna is especially pricey, its like just over £1 for a can, of the good tuna, not supermarkets own brand, urgh. I wouldnt be too bothered, but I used to use tuna in my diet for the protein. But now I am finding many good foods that are full of protein, taste nicer and are a little bit cheaper :P

I couldnt believe I spent money on chocolate, fizzy drinks, well mainly relentless, which is very pricey. Sure, I cant treat myself once in a while. But since starting this project, my thoughts conflict a lot more with my old habits now. I am adapting to this new change subconsciously, which must be a good thing, as I am essentially reprogramming myself, which apparently takes a lot of willpower and courage. The more I see how expensive things have become, the more shrewed with my money I am, and I think about what good this food I put in my body will do. Ive explained in my past entries how it makes a difference what I eat and how good I feel because of it all. I do hope Im not rambling....and my point has been delivered in this paragraph.

Im hoping that when you great people read my blog entries, you take away some information and think about it. One of my dreams in life is to be able to help people any way I can. There is very little selfish motivation for this blog. I could quite easily just type it up in word and keep it for me to read when Im an old man. But I like to think that someone will benefit from the words I type here.

Also, I'd just like to say that because I am making major changes to my life right now, I dont look down with prejudice upon others around me for not making the same improvements on their life. I believe in free will and the ability to chase dreams or live realistically. Whatever your motivation or satisfactions, I will respect and perhaps encourage it (although I obviously dont advocate illegal activities or such!)

I am ashamed that this is my first blog of March. I have been procrastinating fairly frequently this month, I'll admit....Breaking a few key Sylo rules and suchlike. I am hoping that this is a one off. I have just faltered this week. My emotions and strengths have been tested by those willing to see it so. But, I will always do my best to hold strong, no matter what. Im not sure if you have noticed...but at the top of my blog home page, under my blog name, is a line from a great song. Which is what I'll leave with you with tonight. Think about it...Im sure it will apply to you all.

Goodnight you lovely, awesome smexy people :)

"I wont ever be distracted by the ones who want me to fail"