Quixotic Quandary

So, the title of my post pretty much sums up how I feel. Actually, it defines what I have been feeling for some time, if not, most of my whole adult life. I feel like I am wandering around in my life without any real sense of direction. When I lost my full time job a couple of months ago, I began to experience the financial strain that life can impose upon you. Its proven to be an incredibly tough time. I have recently gained a position at Tescos, which is not anything to be raving from the rooftops about, but its something stable. Something I be proud of perhaps, if I learn anything. However, it still isnt full time time, but it is guaranteed income to a degree. I hate having to worry about money. I was born and grew up in poverty, pretty much. As an adult, it sadness and depresses me that I have to struggle with money once again. There will be a time when I really wont have to think about money at all. I can just live life without the fear of what kind of destruction money can cause. What upsets me even more is that money was invented by man. We are slowly destroying this earth....little do we realise it :/ Another big theme lately is procrastination. Oh how time fleets and evades us. We pass it every waking second and succumb to it in every sleeping minute. We are quite happily (or not so) drifting through life, working, learning and forging new experiences for ourselves. But are we truly embracing what it is to live? Do you have a hobby or a quenching desire to throw yourself into something thrilling and amazing? I lose count of all the hobbies I have, yet there is still so much I want to experience, to try and to learn. I thirst for more, all the time, I can never get enough. However, these thoughts often overwhelm me, and strangely enough, slow me down. I overload my thoughts so much that I lose focus and I stutter. Im no longer persuing what I really want to achieve, but I feel dragged down by the expectations I have of myself. I procrastinate, I hold my hands up, I am guilty by admittance and exposed with proof. These last few months have dragged, Ive wandered through the quandary waist deep, my goal in sight, but ever escaping my grasp. Perhaps I like the idealism of wanting to achieve many things that I distract myself from what I truly mean. Im holding myself back and I only have myself to blame. Please learn from me, and dont get caught up in the mistakes I have. If you want something, dont lose focus. I constantly wonder about my life and the decisions I have made. The paths Ive taken and the feelings Ive felt. I wouldnt ever change what I have chosen to do, or what life has dictated for me. I learn from every aspect of life, I challenge it. I dont just bend over and let life take me for a ride. I am wholly responsible for the position I am in today. Im not doing too bad for myself. Of course, as most people say, it could be worse. It really could be. Right now, I know a handful of people who are currently suffering in scenarios that I would hate to be in. I live comparatively and that reminds me never to be too selfish for any length of time. I am a very selfless person most of the time, but as long as I am aware of the lives of my friends, I am constantly grateful for the life I am living. Right now there are two guys who are extremely close to me, and who have inspired me to a degree in which I cannot express. Their support is magnified by the frequent contact they give to me. I cannot be any more thankful unless I had more resources at my disposal. These two friends will always have my gratitude, for the rest of my life :) Of course the biggest thanks goes to my lovely, amazing girlfriend. I never thought someone could care about me to such a degree in which I feel like the most important person in their world. She has truly shown me what it is to care for someone, support someone through any troubling times that may arise in life and of course embrace the excitement and adventures of a lifetime! She has shown me that it is possible to love again :)

The Seeker of Happiness returns!

Its been too long....again. Life has thrown me a fair few obstacles, which have proven difficult for the path I have planned for myself. I always find that in life, there are distractions and downfalls. Distractions, in which the responsibility lies with yourself, is one that plagues us all. We just have to remain focused and always keep in our mind what our ultimate goal is. Downfalls sometimes cant be helped and are an even bigger glaring problem. The method here would be to try and deal with such a problem the best you can, then once you have overcome whatever has tried to strike you down, carry on down the path to happiness. With dedication and perseverance, you will accomplish any goal you set yourself!

So here is a few things Ive faced recently:

INCIDENT - I lost my job - This is why I have been on Facebook a lot more recently

ACTION - I didnt waiver, I felt sad at first. But then I decided to just enjoy the free time I had! Then once I overcome the unfortunate situation, I went to a work agency and they have been giving me constant work ever since. I fixed a problem from one of lifes downfalls. Which proves my theory in my opening paragraph :)

INCIDENT - The council have deemed my house not fit to live in and we all have to be out at the end of the month. We were all supposed to move into an empty house with the same agency. But 2 of my housemates had a bust up and now we arent moving into the empty house!

ACTION - I tried not to fret. I simply looked at my finances, despite not yet having consistant, full-time work. I looked at available options and evaluated my budget and how much I could afford. I went to view a house yesterday and it looks promising. I wont be homeless at the end of the month and the house I went to see was so LUSH!

These are two of the major downfalls in my life right now. But I seemed to have dealt with them incredibly well. Having Kirsty to support me was really lovely too. She helped me retain my confidence and helped me see the strength I possess within myself. Im a survivor, I can deal with most shit life hands me.

Project Sylo hasnt been going all too well due to this, sadly. But once I move into my new house, I should feel fresh and ready to carry on with improving myself. I apologise this hasnt been a long update, but I just wanted to let you know what has been going on in my life for the past month or so. I missing writing and I feel a little better now I have typed this. I hope you are all well and your lives are going great. Im around on facebook, so if you do wanna chat, about anything at all, then dont hesitate to message me and I will be more than happy to chat :)

Project SYLO Progress - and a inspirational gesture

Hey friends, lovers, stalkers?! Welcome back to my seemingly awesome blog :)

Earlier tonight, I felt fantastic. This reason for this, was because I gave some money to charity. No, I didnt simply stick some pennies into a collectors pot. Sitting comfy? Okay, I shall tell you about it.

I was walking home from work tonight, and for working so damn hard, my boss let me take home a pizza :D I usually take the underpass to cross the main road by the museum. As I was approaching the underpass, I saw a homeless guy with just a sleeping blanket. I fished into my pocket where I KNEW I had some change, and had about £1.50, I got this ready in my hand, and as I passed him, I stopped and gave him my change, I wished him a good night. After about 20 steps, I realised I had cut up my pizza and split it into 3 boxes so they would fit neatly into my rucksack. I stopped, turned around, and reapproached the homeless guy. I asked him if he was hungry (yeah I know, silly question!) He said yes, so I unzipped my bag and took out one of the boxes and gave it to him, he seemed so happy! I wished him a good night again, then set off to my journey home. Whilst doing so, I had an amazing sense of achievement and happiness, I actually physically grinned as I was walking haha :D So, my brief happiness was caused by giving to this homeless guy, that small donation made a whole world of difference to him, and it also gave him hope, that there are still people who care in this world. This brings me to 2 more points I need to make on this subject.

Recently Ive been watching the anime "Full Metal Alchemist" and its based on this series in which 2 brothers, who are alchemists go in search of the ultimate alchemy tool. However, on the way, they discover many people who choose to abuse the power of alchemy and use it for the wrong reasons. Im going to quote a line from the series, which I think is very fitting to my little story above.
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"To create, something of equal value must be lost. This is the principle of Equivalent Exchange, that gain requires sacrifice"
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Now, explaining this to fit the topic at hand: I sacrificed some money that I wont really miss and some food which was a reward for my hard work, for the happiness of a homeless man who will have a much better night now. My gain was happiness, which was a reward for my sacrifice. I hope I have explained this well enough for you awesome readers to understand :D

Point number 2!

I am hoping to extend my good deed earlier and actually turn it into a project. I am going to find a way to reach out and help the homeless people all across Cardiff. I have been homeless several times and its not pretty. Its scary, lonely and incredibly frightening. I would ideally like to hire out a building with a grant and set up a homeless shelter, so people have somewhere warm to spend the night, and I will even use my awesome cooking skills to cook meals for the homeless too. There has to be somewhere like this already in Cardiff, it would be devasting if I learn that there are no facilites around to help such people. This is a goal to be added to Project SYLO.

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Project SYLO Progress!

This is a preliminary report, as all the targets of the project have yet to be met due to circumstances I cannot control and facilities I do not have, as of yet.

1. Quitting Relentless - A few withdrawals, but not uncontrollable. I could live happily without this drink.

2. No fizzy drinks. Did a test the other day after a week of the new diet, and it tore my insides apart! I felt rubbish, so much air in my gut and just made me feel awful, didnt really taste that nice either (I had Dr. Pepper) So THATS the worst that could happen, TAKE THAT!

3. Sleep before 1am. I wake up for about 9am, but I think I could trim up to an hour off this, especially when I really get into my gym training. It really is nice to see the mornings again and just laze around for a few hours before work and such :D

4. No eating after 10pm. Although many people think this is rubbish, its done me a LOT of good. My digestive system has been amazing. I dont feel bloated and horrible in the morning. I am feeling quite hungry around this time, but this will help with my diet, because I'll be able to handle a fairly big breakfast in the morning. This has been a HUGE success. Thanks to Kikijui (fellow blogger!) for the tip :)

5. No chocolate/junk food. AMAZING success! Ive had a couple of cravings for something a little lush, but have held back. However my gym trainer says that I should treat myself once a week, as he thought my whole project seemed a little harsh and that I should have at least a small amount of enjoyment from it haha! My only real treat aside from the crap is Flapjack, which I am LOVING!

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So far my project is a roaring success! I am very happy and incredibly proud of the changes I have made and the differences Ive seen :D This week sees the start of my gym weight training program. This is the next major step of project SYLO and will no doubt be a lot tougher than these smaller goals above. Diet and training will be the key focus point of this entire project.

I hope I havent bored you too much! But I also hope that you have had a great read and enjoyed what I have written. Even if you have learnt only one thing from this, its all been worth it. And no, I dont mean learnt one thing about me, Im hoping that from my entries you'll learn something about yourself, the way you wanna change your life, or how differently you wish to see or experience the world. Remember, we limit ourselves. Set yourself free, open your mind and we can accomplish anything!

Seeker Out!

Responsibility and a splash of Happiness

Hello awesome readers =D

First out, I am going to start with Responsibilty. Well, lack thereof!

RESPONSIBILITY!

It annoys me that there are so many people today expressing complete ignorance to the people around them. Feigining interest yet lacking responsibility. This has been bugging me for a good couple of months now. Ever since I started my counselling studies, I have been observing people more closely. They probably dont feel my eyes examining their posture, their body language or my ears picking up on their fatal tone of sarcasm. But oh boy, its there alright and Im watching you like a hawk. Do you know why? Because you make people feel like shit!

Its people like this who fail to take responsibility for their own actions, words, behaviour. Everything we do has a ripple effect, no matter how small. But there are a great, vast number of people who BLAME their own actions and words on other people, saying that it was them who caused this reaction. NO! You have a choice in what words come out of your mouth and the way you treat people. Please take responsibility for this. If I have had an extremely shit day at work (which is rare, I may add) then I dont come home, talk to my friends like shit, then blame work for the way I am. No, I am simply being IGNORANT. Thats right, the word I used in the paragraph above.

Ignorance and responsibility tie in quite neatly here I think :)

Now onto Happiness, and no, its not going to be a 'happy' statement. Its going to be one of realism and stark, painful reality. As much as I obsess to be a dreamer and an idealistic socialist, I am always very aware and observant that reality has very much grounded us. Lets begin.

HAPPINESS!

Now, I have gone through most of my life being dreadfully neglected, and no, this isnt a sympathy call, I wont give you my number. This is me telling you straight. I wont attempt to try and descibe what happiness is right now, because thats not the point of this entry. This entry is about the use of happiness and what comes with it.

First of all, happiness comes from within, no one is going to come down with a silver platter and present to you happiness on a plate, Im sorry, it just doesnt work like that. Happiness has to be GAINED. Much like exp in any and all great RPG games (apart from FFX, cos of the weird sphere grid thingy...anyway!) So yeah, we gain it, in a way, we kind of earn it. Thats of course, if you believe in granting yourself happiness. Presenting my view on happiness this way is not me being pessimistic, of course not. I am simply stating that it would be foolish to present your heart on a plate to anyone who is feeling hungry. So, you're a loner, thats right, you. Suppose so, humour yourself. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Now that person is your whole damn world and you love spending every waking breath with them. But she has a life, she other interests and hobbies that consume a lot of her time. She is the most interesting and fascinating person you have ever met. Then something terrible happens, oh no! They tell you that they do not wish to spend time with you anymore, yes you, the loner remember? Now she's made this decision, its her will and her command. Do you see my point here? - Their happiness does not falter -

You need to ensure that your happiness is owned by only you, no one else can hold that. Or rather, you must not let anyone else hold this, because it will ultimately destroy you as it has done me a few times in the past. I do apologise for this being a bit pessimistic, but for those lovely people who are reading this, you all know that I am a person with a big heart and many dreams, so pessimism is not my constant. Im far too complex for a one path view :P

HUZZAH!!

Now I shall end it here, also with a congratulations. Yes, to you, my relentless viewers. I have both appreciation and admiration for wading through that awful troth of words above these bunch of jumbled words. I write in hastiness and I write from exact though, my fingers do not leave the keyboard once I start typing. So now that my writing style can be erratic and random. But in essence, I always mean the best. If only one person has learnt something from reading this, then my purpose has been served. I have reached one heart. My career will hopefully see me serve many more.

Goodnight you smexy people <3

Here we go...

So after years of not wanting to have an online blog, Ive decided to create a new one. Ive grown from the way I used to post before, or at least I can only try to be less depressing in my blog posts! Also this site seems more mature than other blogging sites...

I guess I have one main goal right now, and there will be a few people who are aware of what this is haha! Basically Ive been a stupid pussy most of my life, used to get bullied for being a "twig" and "stick thin" etc. So Ive decided I want to bulk up. This requires me to eat at least every 3 hours during the day, including a snack right before bedtime to repair muscle tissue and help it grow.

My diet will consist of a very high protein content along with a fairly high carb content. Fats are not so important, but I am making sure I get one decent serving of meat each day to ensure a good fat maintenance.

Typical foods from breakfast through to bedtime are:

2/3 slices of wholemeal toast with banana
Jacket Potato with tuna/mayo OR Prawns with dressing
Peanuts
Protein Shake
Pasta OR Noodles with one big serving of fresh meat
Protein Shake
2 slices of wholemeal toast OR Tuna sandwich
(More)Peanuts lol

It doesnt seem that much, but I am trying to find other ways of getting carbs and fats into my diet. This is the first proper week. I will be going to weigh myself tomorrow and calculate my body fat percentage and then mark my progress every 2 or 3 weeks...Maybe 3 weeks is best?

The whole purpose of this is to build a healthier, stronger body. I hope to take up some form of martial arts or self defence once I have sufficient energy in my body to ensure I can afford a high output of calories.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE!

After 11 months of being single and fishing through god knows how many girls, I think Ive finally found someone to build a foundation of a relationship. Of course Im gonna take things very slowly this time, been hurt badly twice before, so maybe this is 3rd time lucky? Her name is Rachel (Btw, Ive ALWAYS loved that name, so thats bonus points haha!) and she is 23, got a 6 year old boy who I am still too scared to meet! Its been a week today, so obviously its seriously early days, but so far, no red flags :)

Ive also gained a few new friends in this area who I get on very well with, Im happy about this. I find it hard to trust people, so its nice to have a couple of people who I can build a good friendship with, we'll see what happens there.

I dont want to ramble on, as once I get started, I find it hard to stop, my old blog posts used to run over 3000 words long! Below I'll list my other goals/targets:

Start writing short stories
Write more poetry
Finishing game design concept
Attempt to write a story based on my game design
Read all 13 books by Terry Goodkind (11 are the "Sword of Truth" series)
Get stronger and bulk up
Erm....I cant think of much else right now!

Anyway, I hope I havent bored you readers (if there are any...) in my first blog post! I will definitely be writing some interesting, compelling and exciting topics and ideas in this blog, but all in good time :)

Seeker out!