Quixotic Quandary

So, the title of my post pretty much sums up how I feel. Actually, it defines what I have been feeling for some time, if not, most of my whole adult life. I feel like I am wandering around in my life without any real sense of direction. When I lost my full time job a couple of months ago, I began to experience the financial strain that life can impose upon you. Its proven to be an incredibly tough time. I have recently gained a position at Tescos, which is not anything to be raving from the rooftops about, but its something stable. Something I be proud of perhaps, if I learn anything. However, it still isnt full time time, but it is guaranteed income to a degree. I hate having to worry about money. I was born and grew up in poverty, pretty much. As an adult, it sadness and depresses me that I have to struggle with money once again. There will be a time when I really wont have to think about money at all. I can just live life without the fear of what kind of destruction money can cause. What upsets me even more is that money was invented by man. We are slowly destroying this earth....little do we realise it :/ Another big theme lately is procrastination. Oh how time fleets and evades us. We pass it every waking second and succumb to it in every sleeping minute. We are quite happily (or not so) drifting through life, working, learning and forging new experiences for ourselves. But are we truly embracing what it is to live? Do you have a hobby or a quenching desire to throw yourself into something thrilling and amazing? I lose count of all the hobbies I have, yet there is still so much I want to experience, to try and to learn. I thirst for more, all the time, I can never get enough. However, these thoughts often overwhelm me, and strangely enough, slow me down. I overload my thoughts so much that I lose focus and I stutter. Im no longer persuing what I really want to achieve, but I feel dragged down by the expectations I have of myself. I procrastinate, I hold my hands up, I am guilty by admittance and exposed with proof. These last few months have dragged, Ive wandered through the quandary waist deep, my goal in sight, but ever escaping my grasp. Perhaps I like the idealism of wanting to achieve many things that I distract myself from what I truly mean. Im holding myself back and I only have myself to blame. Please learn from me, and dont get caught up in the mistakes I have. If you want something, dont lose focus. I constantly wonder about my life and the decisions I have made. The paths Ive taken and the feelings Ive felt. I wouldnt ever change what I have chosen to do, or what life has dictated for me. I learn from every aspect of life, I challenge it. I dont just bend over and let life take me for a ride. I am wholly responsible for the position I am in today. Im not doing too bad for myself. Of course, as most people say, it could be worse. It really could be. Right now, I know a handful of people who are currently suffering in scenarios that I would hate to be in. I live comparatively and that reminds me never to be too selfish for any length of time. I am a very selfless person most of the time, but as long as I am aware of the lives of my friends, I am constantly grateful for the life I am living. Right now there are two guys who are extremely close to me, and who have inspired me to a degree in which I cannot express. Their support is magnified by the frequent contact they give to me. I cannot be any more thankful unless I had more resources at my disposal. These two friends will always have my gratitude, for the rest of my life :) Of course the biggest thanks goes to my lovely, amazing girlfriend. I never thought someone could care about me to such a degree in which I feel like the most important person in their world. She has truly shown me what it is to care for someone, support someone through any troubling times that may arise in life and of course embrace the excitement and adventures of a lifetime! She has shown me that it is possible to love again :)