Quixotic Quandary

So, the title of my post pretty much sums up how I feel. Actually, it defines what I have been feeling for some time, if not, most of my whole adult life. I feel like I am wandering around in my life without any real sense of direction. When I lost my full time job a couple of months ago, I began to experience the financial strain that life can impose upon you. Its proven to be an incredibly tough time. I have recently gained a position at Tescos, which is not anything to be raving from the rooftops about, but its something stable. Something I be proud of perhaps, if I learn anything. However, it still isnt full time time, but it is guaranteed income to a degree. I hate having to worry about money. I was born and grew up in poverty, pretty much. As an adult, it sadness and depresses me that I have to struggle with money once again. There will be a time when I really wont have to think about money at all. I can just live life without the fear of what kind of destruction money can cause. What upsets me even more is that money was invented by man. We are slowly destroying this earth....little do we realise it :/ Another big theme lately is procrastination. Oh how time fleets and evades us. We pass it every waking second and succumb to it in every sleeping minute. We are quite happily (or not so) drifting through life, working, learning and forging new experiences for ourselves. But are we truly embracing what it is to live? Do you have a hobby or a quenching desire to throw yourself into something thrilling and amazing? I lose count of all the hobbies I have, yet there is still so much I want to experience, to try and to learn. I thirst for more, all the time, I can never get enough. However, these thoughts often overwhelm me, and strangely enough, slow me down. I overload my thoughts so much that I lose focus and I stutter. Im no longer persuing what I really want to achieve, but I feel dragged down by the expectations I have of myself. I procrastinate, I hold my hands up, I am guilty by admittance and exposed with proof. These last few months have dragged, Ive wandered through the quandary waist deep, my goal in sight, but ever escaping my grasp. Perhaps I like the idealism of wanting to achieve many things that I distract myself from what I truly mean. Im holding myself back and I only have myself to blame. Please learn from me, and dont get caught up in the mistakes I have. If you want something, dont lose focus. I constantly wonder about my life and the decisions I have made. The paths Ive taken and the feelings Ive felt. I wouldnt ever change what I have chosen to do, or what life has dictated for me. I learn from every aspect of life, I challenge it. I dont just bend over and let life take me for a ride. I am wholly responsible for the position I am in today. Im not doing too bad for myself. Of course, as most people say, it could be worse. It really could be. Right now, I know a handful of people who are currently suffering in scenarios that I would hate to be in. I live comparatively and that reminds me never to be too selfish for any length of time. I am a very selfless person most of the time, but as long as I am aware of the lives of my friends, I am constantly grateful for the life I am living. Right now there are two guys who are extremely close to me, and who have inspired me to a degree in which I cannot express. Their support is magnified by the frequent contact they give to me. I cannot be any more thankful unless I had more resources at my disposal. These two friends will always have my gratitude, for the rest of my life :) Of course the biggest thanks goes to my lovely, amazing girlfriend. I never thought someone could care about me to such a degree in which I feel like the most important person in their world. She has truly shown me what it is to care for someone, support someone through any troubling times that may arise in life and of course embrace the excitement and adventures of a lifetime! She has shown me that it is possible to love again :)

Wading through the Quandary of Ambivalence

I know I have not posted for many months, and I do feel slightly guilty about this. I feel like I am wasting my writing talent by not using them effectively and as freely as I should. I also feel that perhaps many do not care much for what I have on my mind, my opinions or indeed the way I feel. I cant see exactly who views this, the number of different people who read it, I only have my judgement based on the people in my life. If you are reading this now, then I thank you. I feel like you care to some degree, or are just curious as to what I have to say after many months. Perhaps I have new readers, since accumulating more friends via facebook and such. If so, then welcome.

So, in these last few months I have achieved the following:

- Spent a month in Spain (without getting homesick)

- Procured a lovely girlfriend, her name is Kirsty; she's lovely and amazing.

- Almost maxed out my credit card (oops! But we all have debts somewhere)

- Been to a few gigs. Enter Shikari and Dave McPherson

- Puchased tickets to numerous events, such as the Final Fantasy Orchestral performance in London, Derren Brown etc.

- Learned a whole lot more about myself, the world around me and the people who inhabit it also.

- Procrastinated

So maybe not a whole lot, but having a girlfriend certainly changes my life and brings me a lot more happiness and positive energy.

Im not even sure what to talk about or where to start. I feel my writing style has left me, but Im sure it shall return the more I write. Which I plan to, as I thoroughly enjoy writing, especially if there are people who appreciate reading what I have to write :)

Lately I have been wading through a quandary of ambivalence. One which I am not too proud of, or happy about. It seems I am having a hard time with Project Sylo (for those who dont know what that is, please search for one of my first blog entries) I am lacking the motivation to get it kick started. I am also indulging one of my worst habits, which is wasting time. I really dislike time being wasted...If I feel like I am not doing anything creative, or such activity that improves my life to some degree, then I feel that the time just spent has been lost to procrastination or whatever force should apply. I do not need tips or criticism as to how I should behave in accordance to my feelings. I know and fully accept my responsibility for the actions I have taken.I see how much potential I have, the things I can achieve and how great I can be. But, at times, it feels like Im at the bottom of a HUGE cliff, and have NO idea of how to scale it. Sure, I may have faith and the knowledge of how to accomplish this task, but I dont necessary have the equipment needed to complete it. I feel like there is something missing perhaps...a certain motivative feature, or the knowledge of the method or the execution or order of how things should progress.

I am certain that very soon, I will just gather all the might and motivation I have and get myself kick started and stop indulging myself into procrastination. I am far from lazy, but I feel like there is some unseen force that is constantly attempting to strip me of my willpower, and it makes me feel somewhat useless.

I do apologise that this entry isnt all too positive and constructive. I just needed to express my thoughts in a manner in which I would feel that counteracts my procrastination as of late. I will be back to my normal self as soon as I can snap out of this strange mood I seem to have characteristically wondered into.

I am the Seeker of Happiness and my journey continues.



"I'm not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"



- We all have the power to change who we are, are you strong enough?