A Higher State of Mind

Wow....so its been almost 20 days since Ive last made an update....I feel out of touch with you readers. I often wonder if you miss reading my blog and if you enjoy what I write, even though I can be quite technical in the way I write things. Well this entry is going to be an insight into my person life. Ive experienced a hell of a lot in the last 3 weeks that really need to be expressed to you, and hopefully you will learn something, but more importantly it gives you a chance to get to know me better :)

I really feel that now, I have settled into Cardiff, and almost adapted to the lifestyle and people that live here.I feel that Cardiff has enabled me to build on my emotional foundations and shape a new perspective. In the last few weeks, I feel like I have evolved, in a sense. I am more in control of my emotions, the choices I make, the reasons I make them and most importantly the ability to handle my insecurities better.

Right now, Im feeling the most positive I have felt for a very long time, and Im really proud of myself and my integrity. Anyone who has seen me ride through the god awful shitstorms Ive endured will know how much these feelings mean to me now. The reason why Im feeling more positive is because Ive learned to just let go and live life, dont question things, but to just simply embrace them. Experienced are there to be shared and cherished, not questioned and under siege. Ive even had friends comment on how positive Im becoming and that my life seems pretty awesome now. Positivity is the way forward people!

Im going to list some amazing reasons why my life is awesome, for me to see and aknowledge and also for you to get an idea of what my life is like currently.

- I have an amazing job, which is remarkably flexible and really great pay

- I have FINALLY nailed my financial accounts. Money problems no longer exist (No, you cant borrow a tenner, FUCK OFF!) :P

- I have joined a website www.couchsurfing.org and have hosted people from around the world at my home

- I am constantly meeting new people and expanding my social network. Cardiff is a VERY friendly city :)

- Because I am feeling more positive, Im having much more happier experiences with all the people around me (bar the current housemate situation, more on that in a bizzle, nizzle!)

Hmm...okay, I suck at bullet points, my need for including detail goes beyond the fathoms of bullet points!

Okay, so a big update. Im moving house! Yes, this was entirely my decision :) I realise that living here is seriously restricting my freedom and the ability to evolve and be completely honest to who I am. I dont want to have to gold back on my personality and who I am because it doesnt seem to fit into the general personality of the household. Personally the people I currently live with are boring shits! Not much more can be said really :/ I should be meeting with the other new tenants to this house in the next couple of days to sign the contract etc. One guy works at a casino, one girl studies criminology, another girl is studying english language, having conversations with her is SO going to fascinate me, we can bore the rest of the house with our awesome leet skills haha! These new people seem really awesome, and hopefully I'll fit in well in this new house :)

Also, another major update! There is a very high chance I will be going to Seville (Southern Spain) to work at a backpackers hostel for a WHOLE MONTH! Yeah, you read that right! It seems a bit scary right now, but they have accepted my application and have welcomed me to work there. I have planned to go in Mid August, until the week before my birthday. I still have to sort a few things out and confirm it further, but yeah :D Seville is also meant to be amazingly hot in august, almost 40 degrees! :O

Hmmm...I dont think this needs to be a really long and in depth entry. Ive kinda got side tracked by the whole Seville thing...Im really excited about it!

I will definitely update a LOT more than I have been doing. So I do apologise for not posting more content, you can shoot me later. I hope that you enjoy reading my entries and really appreciate what I have to type and share with you. I know that this is slightly less technical than my normal entries, but I dont want to distance people with the strange typing style I apparently have O.o Ive recently found out that there are quite a lot of people who read my blog, which makes me very happy that people are wanting to be a part of my life, whether you talk to me everyday or just a couple of times a week. The fact that you read my blog tells me that you care about me, and for this, I thank you :)

Ive definitely got a load more things to talk about, but this is it for now Im sorry to say :( I miss my friends terribly and I always look forward to talking with you very soon. Dont be shy to strike up a conversation with me, whether its through msn/facebook or by text. I always have time for you lovely, amazing people :D

Ferociously Fervent Feedback

So lately I have been a complete stereotypical pubescent emo youth, of which I am not very proud of, I assure you. I have suffered moodswings, slightly depressive states, frustration, procrastination, and idiocity and perhaps even ignorance. I have at times, disregarded myself and pushed myself to the kerb, believing others to have contributed. I always find it so easy to think that people have given up on me, or discarded me like the joker in a pack of cards, laughed away and flicked to the bin. My insecurities still tether just under the suface, like bubbling hot chocolate beneath the glorious fluffy marshmallows and lush whipped cream. I WANT to believe people and girls like me, but its such a hard task. I ctas my own misfortune upon myself. Who would want to keep trying to be nice and get to know me, if all I do is keep getting upset because my insecurities tell me they dont like me.

I was told today that out of all the people this one person knows, I am the most defensive, in regards to having a laugh or taking banter. Which, I wouldnt disagree with. This is precisely what I mean in the above paragraph when I am and have always been going through a hardship in regards to people affections. The more I believe and see that a person genuinely likes me for me, the more jokes and banter I can take from them. That doesnt mean I'll let my good friends get away with backhanded comments :P I can play fire with fire, but ultimately I know Im the one who is more likely to get burned. I sometimes do wonder where the good intention lies within the context, it can be a hard tone to decipher. I can seem to fathom the depths of peoples humour at times, especially if I cant even gauge the extent they like me too.

This is one of the main issues that keep reoccuring in my life and ultimately drives great people away from me, without it even being my intention, but alas, my cause. I will endeavour to do my best and try to lighten up as much as I can and see that these people are being affectionate, because they like me to some degree. To all those that have been affected by my defensive comments, I do apologise and hope you understand that I dont wish to offend you, its simply a matter of my insecurities trying to discern the meaning from your comments.

Another issue that has been swirling through my mind is the fact of my housemates. Their conspiracy betraying my confidence. Without my knowing they met up with our landlord, and pretty much complained to him about what they dont like about me. Im due to have a meeting with these cowardly beings on Monday evening, to which I will attend and show my disdain for their lack of clear honesty and faithfulness. They havent even expressed many of these problems towards me, and most of them are just petty things relating to my character. Im sorry, you knew I worked a LOT of hours and awkward shift times, I dont choose to be unsociable, but Im always game for a chat or beer if you want to invite me. I feel utterly betrayed. I have found the most lovely house and environment and location. I will not be made to feel like an outcast yet a fucking gain!

It always seems to happen to me...making my struggle to attain complete confidence within myself and towards other people. These people chose me to move in over a good few other people, but then seek to complain about me rather than discuss the issue face to face. This problem doesnt really threaten or bother me too much, as I know that I cannot be forced out, as Im under a contract. Plus their reasons wont even warrant enough power should they want me out at the end of the contract. I keep trying to believe in mankind and have faith that there are people out there who express love and compassion for me. I show a LOT of compassion to other people, relevant to how much compassion I feel from them.

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The next topic I would like to discuss is Love. This small little, four letter word has been punishing me for quite some time. The hurt is fading, but sometimes it slithers and wraps round my heart like deadly vines, which are alive. For a moment, Im paralysed, in fear. I dont ever know when I should feel such a feeling again. I believe I have only been or loved anyone once. Most of you know who this person was...or used to be. I have the utmost repressed envy for all of you whom Ive met. You're all experiencing this special feeling as you are reading this entry. Some of you have been graced by the magnitude and wonder of Love for quite some time, perhaps even years, but many different people too, friends, family and especially that one most amazing person who captures your heart in just a glimpse.

You all are so very incredibly lucky. As you are reading this, I really hope you are thinking of those people, or even that one person who you love dearly. Do not let them go, battle through every war, endure every heartache, because those strong enough to fight and survive through a detrimental shitstorm and hard times, are the hardest of hearts, the keeper of love. A reminiscent paradise of which for many people are just but a clandestine utopia, never appearing upon their present earth, or speculating among their everyday life. Love to some is but a dream, and others bask in the glory of the most delightful clouds and strikingly clear blue skies.

Do not be afraid to show your love to the people who do you love.

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I apologise to everyone who Ive snapped at, been moody towards and misunderstood their intentions, actions or words. For every person I do talk to, I do it out of choice and affection. I only have the purest of intentions, and that is to be liked, or even loved. There is a person who I care about more than just a friend, but she might not ever know because of my fear I have for rejection. But instead of worrying myself and enduring the possible craptastic heartache, I shall enjoy the pleasure of her company as much as I can and wishes that she too finds that one person who will bring her joy, love and compassion, even if that person isnt me.

I wont ever stop searching for happiness. But Im growing tired of this long and most difficult journey. Especially concerning the female fatalistics, they are such a wonderful and amazing species, but they have a devastating amount of power. For the moment, I am just going to take a ride in the backseat, feel the breeze desperately blasting my face, the sunshine gleaming into my eyes, trying to pierce my fierce determination, calming me, relaxing and telling me to enjoy life and stop searching so hard. Happiness belongs to the happy, but for now, I will enjoy climbing the tower of perdition and releasing myself wholly from my past and all its afflictions.

Happiness here I come, will you be waiting?