What a really frustrating day....had to work a 12 hour shift, and only had a 30 minute break in which I had to travel a mile home, have a shower, make something to eat and then go to another place of work...wasnt even a break! Then had to stay behind half an hour later because Damian cocked up the balance of til, so we had to find the error...wont even get paid for staying that extra fucking time...
Then I heard one of my favourite regulars died, he was really keen on me, we got on really well....Im gonna find out when his funeral is. I didnt even know his name, yet he knew mine...it doesnt seem justified.
Then Ottilia just decided to tell me to leave her alone. All I told her was I missed her and we dont talk as much anymore...so now Ive lost yet another fucking friend, and I dont even know why! Life is on a downward spiral for me atm...Im sure it will pick up within a couple of weeks...but right now, I feel really shitty and unloved and unhappy and resentful to everyone.
Atm, I really love listening to Ellie Goulding sing live, and watching her on youtube. She is so incredibly attractive and she has an amazing voice, can play the guitar and drums....must be great to posses so many talents and perform them together. I also love "In another life we must be cats" by maybeshewill...Its a really great track for chilling out to, and getting rid of some anger.
I dont know....May I find just a shimmer of happiness soon...
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Tuesday 3 August 2010
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!
I am so fucking pissed off at everything right now! People bitching about me at the Amsterdam ITG Tournament, even when Im not there, they cant even shut their mouth about me for one minutes, they wanna do anything they can to make other people think Im a fucking asshole! Maybe I should start acting like a fucking evil demon just to please them!
Of all the good I try and accomplish in my life, I get bit in the fucking big steel balls that I have, cos god help me, they need to be steel, the amount of shit people give me. I work so damn hard and people always seem to want tp put me down or see me fail and when Im doing well, there is no damn praise, just false words from false faces.
I sometimes wish I had the power of god and could really make a difference in this world. Where have all the kind hearted people gone? Forgiveness has practically been abolished by general society, with liberation members hard to find, I am part of that liberation. Of all the shit people have given me, I have pretty much forgiven most of them in my heart, but I know that people I have upset will always feel resentment and anger towards me...why cant I be released from their emotional wrath and why cant they unbind themselves from the rage for me that burns inside. Is their life that much in need of seeking redemption for my upset?
Also, Im holding myself back...in everything, in life, in myself. I can become such a damn great personal, a visual enhancement, a spectacle for people to believe in and have faith towards. I want to seek redemption for myself and for all I have to my friends in the past who are friends no more...I want to do so much for myself so maybe, just maybe, even I will make myself proud for once in my damned hellish emotional shithole of a life. I want to become faster, stronger, more skilled at my passions in life, drawing, writing, being creative. I want to become more intelligent, I want to learn the 2 languages Ive started showing an interest in.
If this doesnt make sense to whoever the hell is reading this (and why the fuck you are reading this, who the fuck am I? NOONE!) then I apologise, Im writing this in a time of extreme frustration, confusion, a passion for bloodlust than love. To all the fuckers that hate me, want me dead, or just plain dont like me, then dont be fake to me. Ignore me, kick me when Im down, but dont you dare be all nice and fluffy like a fucking pink cloud, to my face and then bitch about me and hold the sharpest knife in your hand the moment my back is turned.
I still have faith in this world, that there are genuine people who are really fucking kind, non violent and want to share their joy, peace, love and forgiveness for everyone to embrace. I am the Seeker of Happiness for a reason, and yet I have found no answer. I will forever be the holder of this name and will always stand by what I have faith in. That one day the world will be all peachy and smell like the most amazing perfume created. I will be walking around and seeing raindrops in the shape of hearts.
I am the Seeker of Happiness and I have began my journey. What journey are you on?
Of all the good I try and accomplish in my life, I get bit in the fucking big steel balls that I have, cos god help me, they need to be steel, the amount of shit people give me. I work so damn hard and people always seem to want tp put me down or see me fail and when Im doing well, there is no damn praise, just false words from false faces.
I sometimes wish I had the power of god and could really make a difference in this world. Where have all the kind hearted people gone? Forgiveness has practically been abolished by general society, with liberation members hard to find, I am part of that liberation. Of all the shit people have given me, I have pretty much forgiven most of them in my heart, but I know that people I have upset will always feel resentment and anger towards me...why cant I be released from their emotional wrath and why cant they unbind themselves from the rage for me that burns inside. Is their life that much in need of seeking redemption for my upset?
Also, Im holding myself back...in everything, in life, in myself. I can become such a damn great personal, a visual enhancement, a spectacle for people to believe in and have faith towards. I want to seek redemption for myself and for all I have to my friends in the past who are friends no more...I want to do so much for myself so maybe, just maybe, even I will make myself proud for once in my damned hellish emotional shithole of a life. I want to become faster, stronger, more skilled at my passions in life, drawing, writing, being creative. I want to become more intelligent, I want to learn the 2 languages Ive started showing an interest in.
If this doesnt make sense to whoever the hell is reading this (and why the fuck you are reading this, who the fuck am I? NOONE!) then I apologise, Im writing this in a time of extreme frustration, confusion, a passion for bloodlust than love. To all the fuckers that hate me, want me dead, or just plain dont like me, then dont be fake to me. Ignore me, kick me when Im down, but dont you dare be all nice and fluffy like a fucking pink cloud, to my face and then bitch about me and hold the sharpest knife in your hand the moment my back is turned.
I still have faith in this world, that there are genuine people who are really fucking kind, non violent and want to share their joy, peace, love and forgiveness for everyone to embrace. I am the Seeker of Happiness for a reason, and yet I have found no answer. I will forever be the holder of this name and will always stand by what I have faith in. That one day the world will be all peachy and smell like the most amazing perfume created. I will be walking around and seeing raindrops in the shape of hearts.
I am the Seeker of Happiness and I have began my journey. What journey are you on?
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Here we go...
So after years of not wanting to have an online blog, Ive decided to create a new one. Ive grown from the way I used to post before, or at least I can only try to be less depressing in my blog posts! Also this site seems more mature than other blogging sites...
I guess I have one main goal right now, and there will be a few people who are aware of what this is haha! Basically Ive been a stupid pussy most of my life, used to get bullied for being a "twig" and "stick thin" etc. So Ive decided I want to bulk up. This requires me to eat at least every 3 hours during the day, including a snack right before bedtime to repair muscle tissue and help it grow.
My diet will consist of a very high protein content along with a fairly high carb content. Fats are not so important, but I am making sure I get one decent serving of meat each day to ensure a good fat maintenance.
Typical foods from breakfast through to bedtime are:
2/3 slices of wholemeal toast with banana
Jacket Potato with tuna/mayo OR Prawns with dressing
Peanuts
Protein Shake
Pasta OR Noodles with one big serving of fresh meat
Protein Shake
2 slices of wholemeal toast OR Tuna sandwich
(More)Peanuts lol
It doesnt seem that much, but I am trying to find other ways of getting carbs and fats into my diet. This is the first proper week. I will be going to weigh myself tomorrow and calculate my body fat percentage and then mark my progress every 2 or 3 weeks...Maybe 3 weeks is best?
The whole purpose of this is to build a healthier, stronger body. I hope to take up some form of martial arts or self defence once I have sufficient energy in my body to ensure I can afford a high output of calories.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE!
After 11 months of being single and fishing through god knows how many girls, I think Ive finally found someone to build a foundation of a relationship. Of course Im gonna take things very slowly this time, been hurt badly twice before, so maybe this is 3rd time lucky? Her name is Rachel (Btw, Ive ALWAYS loved that name, so thats bonus points haha!) and she is 23, got a 6 year old boy who I am still too scared to meet! Its been a week today, so obviously its seriously early days, but so far, no red flags :)
Ive also gained a few new friends in this area who I get on very well with, Im happy about this. I find it hard to trust people, so its nice to have a couple of people who I can build a good friendship with, we'll see what happens there.
I dont want to ramble on, as once I get started, I find it hard to stop, my old blog posts used to run over 3000 words long! Below I'll list my other goals/targets:
Start writing short stories
Write more poetry
Finishing game design concept
Attempt to write a story based on my game design
Read all 13 books by Terry Goodkind (11 are the "Sword of Truth" series)
Get stronger and bulk up
Erm....I cant think of much else right now!
Anyway, I hope I havent bored you readers (if there are any...) in my first blog post! I will definitely be writing some interesting, compelling and exciting topics and ideas in this blog, but all in good time :)
Seeker out!
I guess I have one main goal right now, and there will be a few people who are aware of what this is haha! Basically Ive been a stupid pussy most of my life, used to get bullied for being a "twig" and "stick thin" etc. So Ive decided I want to bulk up. This requires me to eat at least every 3 hours during the day, including a snack right before bedtime to repair muscle tissue and help it grow.
My diet will consist of a very high protein content along with a fairly high carb content. Fats are not so important, but I am making sure I get one decent serving of meat each day to ensure a good fat maintenance.
Typical foods from breakfast through to bedtime are:
2/3 slices of wholemeal toast with banana
Jacket Potato with tuna/mayo OR Prawns with dressing
Peanuts
Protein Shake
Pasta OR Noodles with one big serving of fresh meat
Protein Shake
2 slices of wholemeal toast OR Tuna sandwich
(More)Peanuts lol
It doesnt seem that much, but I am trying to find other ways of getting carbs and fats into my diet. This is the first proper week. I will be going to weigh myself tomorrow and calculate my body fat percentage and then mark my progress every 2 or 3 weeks...Maybe 3 weeks is best?
The whole purpose of this is to build a healthier, stronger body. I hope to take up some form of martial arts or self defence once I have sufficient energy in my body to ensure I can afford a high output of calories.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE!
After 11 months of being single and fishing through god knows how many girls, I think Ive finally found someone to build a foundation of a relationship. Of course Im gonna take things very slowly this time, been hurt badly twice before, so maybe this is 3rd time lucky? Her name is Rachel (Btw, Ive ALWAYS loved that name, so thats bonus points haha!) and she is 23, got a 6 year old boy who I am still too scared to meet! Its been a week today, so obviously its seriously early days, but so far, no red flags :)
Ive also gained a few new friends in this area who I get on very well with, Im happy about this. I find it hard to trust people, so its nice to have a couple of people who I can build a good friendship with, we'll see what happens there.
I dont want to ramble on, as once I get started, I find it hard to stop, my old blog posts used to run over 3000 words long! Below I'll list my other goals/targets:
Start writing short stories
Write more poetry
Finishing game design concept
Attempt to write a story based on my game design
Read all 13 books by Terry Goodkind (11 are the "Sword of Truth" series)
Get stronger and bulk up
Erm....I cant think of much else right now!
Anyway, I hope I havent bored you readers (if there are any...) in my first blog post! I will definitely be writing some interesting, compelling and exciting topics and ideas in this blog, but all in good time :)
Seeker out!
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