I am in a rather strange place and time in my life now. Im not sure if its because Im reading all these different types of books offering advice, solutions and answering general queries about life and love. Dont get me wrong, Im completely confident with the way I handle my life. But I always like to be intrinsic and live vicariously and also amuse myself by looking at other people and how they live their life and make their decisions.
Maybe what I am experiencing is change? I feel like Ive taken in some critical information and knowledge that has embedded into my brain and mind and created a new way of thinking. I feel much more self aware and so much more in control (of myself, Im not a control freak!) I also think that what Im feeling right now is a result of me deciding, whether consciously or subconsciously, to take more responsibility for the events, mishaps and occurances in my life. I no longer feel the need to shun or drop responsibility onto other people. I am happy to accept my mistakes, shortcomings or errs that are indeed wholly my fault. This isnt about being shameful or selfish, or perhaps guilty. You take the responsibility, you accept it, then you think of a rational solution and then you let it go. Thats right you LET IT GO.
In order to heal and regenerate our courage and security, we need to be rid of the torments that plague our mind and memories. I have been both awful and terrible with this. Far too many times Ive let the grasp of depressing capture itself round my neck, pressing down on my chest and suffocating the life out of me. It may seem like an exasperated metaphor, but really, it sucks your whole entire personality dry. You become this person who exudes negative energy, who has lost the buzz, zest and lust for life. Who no longer cares what they wear, how they smell, or if they mistakenly buy kitchen roll instead of toilet roll but use it anyway! The point is, Ive been there, done that (not the kitchen roll bit, god no!) and got as many t shirts as justin beiber has bounties on his head! Eventually you come out the other end of this big, dark, blackened cathartic void that is depression and you see everything for how it should be.
Its taken me a good few years to become the way I am. Which is a much better person than I ever was before. To people reading this now who have some bad memories of me, I really do apologise. My intent was not to cause you harm or offence. I hope that I have regained any trust or sentiments lost within our bonds. My penance has been attained by losing friends and loved ones. I also believe that Karma has jumped on the same bandwagon, which is good...we can be buddies at times, me and karma :)
I dont even know if I am making much sense. Ive taken in so much information in the last couple of days that my head is a big psychological and philosophical mindbendingly torrent storm. So I do hope a shred of information from my blog entry has infiltrated or been accepted into your mind and taken on board. I feel that perhaps I could elaborate on a few points, but Im losing focus and I dont wanna confuse any more people.
In the end, we are our own salvation. You can only rescue yourself from...yourself. Also your life. Yes people help and yes people offer support, care and love. But ultimately any decision you make will be your own. As long as you are aware of this, you have the knowledge that something can be done, regardless. You should be learning to accept full responsibility for those situations you've shunned the blame for. I hope Im not preaching, but this is all what Ive had to learn myself.
A perfect fitting quote here would be by Mr Dave McPherson, the legendary frontman for the progressive rock band InMe, and it goes like this: "Im not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"
Goodnight all you amazing and beautiful people that are reading this. I appreciate every yachtosecond of your time :3
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