Wading through the Quandary of Ambivalence

I know I have not posted for many months, and I do feel slightly guilty about this. I feel like I am wasting my writing talent by not using them effectively and as freely as I should. I also feel that perhaps many do not care much for what I have on my mind, my opinions or indeed the way I feel. I cant see exactly who views this, the number of different people who read it, I only have my judgement based on the people in my life. If you are reading this now, then I thank you. I feel like you care to some degree, or are just curious as to what I have to say after many months. Perhaps I have new readers, since accumulating more friends via facebook and such. If so, then welcome.

So, in these last few months I have achieved the following:

- Spent a month in Spain (without getting homesick)

- Procured a lovely girlfriend, her name is Kirsty; she's lovely and amazing.

- Almost maxed out my credit card (oops! But we all have debts somewhere)

- Been to a few gigs. Enter Shikari and Dave McPherson

- Puchased tickets to numerous events, such as the Final Fantasy Orchestral performance in London, Derren Brown etc.

- Learned a whole lot more about myself, the world around me and the people who inhabit it also.

- Procrastinated

So maybe not a whole lot, but having a girlfriend certainly changes my life and brings me a lot more happiness and positive energy.

Im not even sure what to talk about or where to start. I feel my writing style has left me, but Im sure it shall return the more I write. Which I plan to, as I thoroughly enjoy writing, especially if there are people who appreciate reading what I have to write :)

Lately I have been wading through a quandary of ambivalence. One which I am not too proud of, or happy about. It seems I am having a hard time with Project Sylo (for those who dont know what that is, please search for one of my first blog entries) I am lacking the motivation to get it kick started. I am also indulging one of my worst habits, which is wasting time. I really dislike time being wasted...If I feel like I am not doing anything creative, or such activity that improves my life to some degree, then I feel that the time just spent has been lost to procrastination or whatever force should apply. I do not need tips or criticism as to how I should behave in accordance to my feelings. I know and fully accept my responsibility for the actions I have taken.I see how much potential I have, the things I can achieve and how great I can be. But, at times, it feels like Im at the bottom of a HUGE cliff, and have NO idea of how to scale it. Sure, I may have faith and the knowledge of how to accomplish this task, but I dont necessary have the equipment needed to complete it. I feel like there is something missing perhaps...a certain motivative feature, or the knowledge of the method or the execution or order of how things should progress.

I am certain that very soon, I will just gather all the might and motivation I have and get myself kick started and stop indulging myself into procrastination. I am far from lazy, but I feel like there is some unseen force that is constantly attempting to strip me of my willpower, and it makes me feel somewhat useless.

I do apologise that this entry isnt all too positive and constructive. I just needed to express my thoughts in a manner in which I would feel that counteracts my procrastination as of late. I will be back to my normal self as soon as I can snap out of this strange mood I seem to have characteristically wondered into.

I am the Seeker of Happiness and my journey continues.



"I'm not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"



- We all have the power to change who we are, are you strong enough?

Surprising stresses, stutters sequaciousness

Hello kind and lovely readers (yes, readers, because its descript to what you are doing and also because of the context!) But also many of you are my friends, people who I see regularly, and other people who I dont get to see much (sadly) To those who are new to my blog, welcome and I really hope you enjoy this spectacular, intricate and slightly fascinating glimpse into my Utopia. This is my safe haven where I get to unleash the troubles and tribulations of my mental state. I do hope you appreciate and enjoy what I write, because every person who reads this blog, inspires me deeply, especially as I know that the people who read this, are people who care about me, in some degree. For those who dont particularly like me, may I ask, why do you read this? Okay, enough with the unequivocal statements. What have I been up to....?!

So its the middle of July, just into the second half of the year now. I have mixed feelings as to how I felt this year has gone so far. I have moved from Manchester in February, and have sinced moved twice since being down here, which makes my current accommodation, my third place since being in Cardiff. Is that a good thing? Perhaps...Im not used to settling down, but I wouldnt say that I am fleeing when things dont work out. I just simply know when to cut my loses and jump at an opportunity which creates a better quality of life for myself. One of the bonuses of living where I am now, is that its £100 cheaper a month, maybe even more (depending on cost of bills). Within a 12 month contract, over the course of a year, thats a saving of £1200 without even trying! So Ive already saved myself a huge amount of money. There isnt Internet yet, but I believe there is more to life than being connected to a cyber world as opposed to the real thing. This gives me the chance and more importantly, the kick up the bloody arse to get my project sylo started, properly. No more fucking around this time :)

Overall, Im feeling generally happy. Those who care about me, keep in touch via text messages, which is very much appreciated btw. If you dont have my number and do wish to have it, then please dont hesitate to message me on Facebook or whatever. Im still failing to have any luck or possess any skill to actually maintain the interest of a girl. There was a scenario recently that had potential to flourish and manifest into something pretty fun and amazing, but alas, Im assuming the feeling isnt mutual, as I havent heard anything back from this girl regarding our current situation. But as Ive said in past entries (or at least Im sure I have!) that having the pleasure to be in the company of such an amazing girl is only a fraction of the happiness you can own. This lovely girl who makes me feel so amazing about myself must only add to my already existing happiness, it would be incredibly foolish to allow myself to let a girl possess complete functionality of my happiness. Ambivalence is in abundance, but my sequaciousness creates conflict in some areas of my life. Decisions have to be made, but in order to execute this process, I must first hold the knowledge which will help me make the right decisions for myself. Im still remaining positive that one day, there will be this almighty lovely, incredibly fun and beautiful girl that will lure my heart to the fields of paradise. The more a person gets to know me, the more I open up and trust. With me, what you see ISNT what you get, because first I must know what there is to be gained, otherwise my efforts might not appreciated with the girl I wish to show them to. Im hoping Im making some sense here! Its been a while since Ive wrote an entry. My technical style is waning and a more common approach is appearing.

Sadly, I did not get the job for management training. Yes, this is slightly bad news. But I dont plan on serving people pizzas for the rest of my life. I was just hoping that I could gain some experience along my journey to be a counsellor. During the interview process I learned a lot about myself from my perspective and also from the prospective of the upper echelons of the pizza hut company. They shone a torch on some issues which I was blind to before. This is handy to know. As most of you know what project sylo is, this information is seriously useful for my ongoing journey to better myself and become more understanding and become a good person.
I have allowed myself to wade through the waters on ambivalence for far, far, far too long now. I do feel utterly ashamed. One my extreme pet hates is wasting time. I cannot stand entertaining any activity in which I believe is a waste of time. Im not entirely sure exactly how I pertain to guage whether what I do is wasting time or not, I just somehow know. I look back in the last 12 months, and think, "If I started this back then, I could have achieved this by now" This makes me graciously upset. I KNOW my potential and I KNOW what I am capable of. Yet day by day, I let this potential slip and slide down the awesome waterfall of fuck my life! Dont get me wrong, Im not depressed about this or about to KO myself or anything bloody ridiculous :P Its just something Ive picked up on, and I will NOT allow myself to continue this charade of masquerading any longer. If I am to be serious about my project, then I must follow it pedantically and adhere to every amendment. Otherwise my potential is being put on the sideline and everyday wasted is a day where I am one more step away from achieving what I set out to do. For those of you who are not aware of project sylo, I shall post it up as a new blog entry a day after I have posted this one, (So basically, tomorrow!)

In closing for this entry I want to say that I hope you are using your own potential to meet your goals and your needs. We all have the power to tap into a side of us that is an incredible and awe-inspiring. We can become faster, stronger, healthier. We can attain to the superlatives and surpass ourselves. We can use our desire and passion to fuel our dedication to become a better 'version' of who we are today. Because the world is constantly changing, people around us are constantly changing, what are we doing to change ourselves exactly? If you have that desire, and you possess that passion, reach for the skies, travel to your utopian world and do what it takes to release a potential inside of you which has perhaps lain dormant most of your life, if not all of it.

I once said something to someone I used to care about, and it was this "I feel like a tree thats falling in the woods, no one can hear me, no one cares." Well, now I have an answer - Be the biggest, most beautiful tree anywhere in the woods. Be the tree that gets noticed from miles away, that attracts many visitors who appreciate what an amazing tree you are. Just because you're a person among millions in this world, doesnt mean that you cant be seen or heard. There will always be someone in this world who will listen to you, no matter how far away you are. There are people in this world who will care about you, no matter how often you see them. There are people in your life who will ALWAYS remember the time you shared together. If you are reading this, and you know that we have shared a special time together, just know that I hold the time we shared in my heart and I appreciated every minute that was spent in your world.
Its 1:26am as I finish this entry. Yes I know Im breaking project sylo, but alas, a worthy sacrifice! Goodnight you amazing people :) x

A Higher State of Mind

Wow....so its been almost 20 days since Ive last made an update....I feel out of touch with you readers. I often wonder if you miss reading my blog and if you enjoy what I write, even though I can be quite technical in the way I write things. Well this entry is going to be an insight into my person life. Ive experienced a hell of a lot in the last 3 weeks that really need to be expressed to you, and hopefully you will learn something, but more importantly it gives you a chance to get to know me better :)

I really feel that now, I have settled into Cardiff, and almost adapted to the lifestyle and people that live here.I feel that Cardiff has enabled me to build on my emotional foundations and shape a new perspective. In the last few weeks, I feel like I have evolved, in a sense. I am more in control of my emotions, the choices I make, the reasons I make them and most importantly the ability to handle my insecurities better.

Right now, Im feeling the most positive I have felt for a very long time, and Im really proud of myself and my integrity. Anyone who has seen me ride through the god awful shitstorms Ive endured will know how much these feelings mean to me now. The reason why Im feeling more positive is because Ive learned to just let go and live life, dont question things, but to just simply embrace them. Experienced are there to be shared and cherished, not questioned and under siege. Ive even had friends comment on how positive Im becoming and that my life seems pretty awesome now. Positivity is the way forward people!

Im going to list some amazing reasons why my life is awesome, for me to see and aknowledge and also for you to get an idea of what my life is like currently.

- I have an amazing job, which is remarkably flexible and really great pay

- I have FINALLY nailed my financial accounts. Money problems no longer exist (No, you cant borrow a tenner, FUCK OFF!) :P

- I have joined a website www.couchsurfing.org and have hosted people from around the world at my home

- I am constantly meeting new people and expanding my social network. Cardiff is a VERY friendly city :)

- Because I am feeling more positive, Im having much more happier experiences with all the people around me (bar the current housemate situation, more on that in a bizzle, nizzle!)

Hmm...okay, I suck at bullet points, my need for including detail goes beyond the fathoms of bullet points!

Okay, so a big update. Im moving house! Yes, this was entirely my decision :) I realise that living here is seriously restricting my freedom and the ability to evolve and be completely honest to who I am. I dont want to have to gold back on my personality and who I am because it doesnt seem to fit into the general personality of the household. Personally the people I currently live with are boring shits! Not much more can be said really :/ I should be meeting with the other new tenants to this house in the next couple of days to sign the contract etc. One guy works at a casino, one girl studies criminology, another girl is studying english language, having conversations with her is SO going to fascinate me, we can bore the rest of the house with our awesome leet skills haha! These new people seem really awesome, and hopefully I'll fit in well in this new house :)

Also, another major update! There is a very high chance I will be going to Seville (Southern Spain) to work at a backpackers hostel for a WHOLE MONTH! Yeah, you read that right! It seems a bit scary right now, but they have accepted my application and have welcomed me to work there. I have planned to go in Mid August, until the week before my birthday. I still have to sort a few things out and confirm it further, but yeah :D Seville is also meant to be amazingly hot in august, almost 40 degrees! :O

Hmmm...I dont think this needs to be a really long and in depth entry. Ive kinda got side tracked by the whole Seville thing...Im really excited about it!

I will definitely update a LOT more than I have been doing. So I do apologise for not posting more content, you can shoot me later. I hope that you enjoy reading my entries and really appreciate what I have to type and share with you. I know that this is slightly less technical than my normal entries, but I dont want to distance people with the strange typing style I apparently have O.o Ive recently found out that there are quite a lot of people who read my blog, which makes me very happy that people are wanting to be a part of my life, whether you talk to me everyday or just a couple of times a week. The fact that you read my blog tells me that you care about me, and for this, I thank you :)

Ive definitely got a load more things to talk about, but this is it for now Im sorry to say :( I miss my friends terribly and I always look forward to talking with you very soon. Dont be shy to strike up a conversation with me, whether its through msn/facebook or by text. I always have time for you lovely, amazing people :D

Ferociously Fervent Feedback

So lately I have been a complete stereotypical pubescent emo youth, of which I am not very proud of, I assure you. I have suffered moodswings, slightly depressive states, frustration, procrastination, and idiocity and perhaps even ignorance. I have at times, disregarded myself and pushed myself to the kerb, believing others to have contributed. I always find it so easy to think that people have given up on me, or discarded me like the joker in a pack of cards, laughed away and flicked to the bin. My insecurities still tether just under the suface, like bubbling hot chocolate beneath the glorious fluffy marshmallows and lush whipped cream. I WANT to believe people and girls like me, but its such a hard task. I ctas my own misfortune upon myself. Who would want to keep trying to be nice and get to know me, if all I do is keep getting upset because my insecurities tell me they dont like me.

I was told today that out of all the people this one person knows, I am the most defensive, in regards to having a laugh or taking banter. Which, I wouldnt disagree with. This is precisely what I mean in the above paragraph when I am and have always been going through a hardship in regards to people affections. The more I believe and see that a person genuinely likes me for me, the more jokes and banter I can take from them. That doesnt mean I'll let my good friends get away with backhanded comments :P I can play fire with fire, but ultimately I know Im the one who is more likely to get burned. I sometimes do wonder where the good intention lies within the context, it can be a hard tone to decipher. I can seem to fathom the depths of peoples humour at times, especially if I cant even gauge the extent they like me too.

This is one of the main issues that keep reoccuring in my life and ultimately drives great people away from me, without it even being my intention, but alas, my cause. I will endeavour to do my best and try to lighten up as much as I can and see that these people are being affectionate, because they like me to some degree. To all those that have been affected by my defensive comments, I do apologise and hope you understand that I dont wish to offend you, its simply a matter of my insecurities trying to discern the meaning from your comments.

Another issue that has been swirling through my mind is the fact of my housemates. Their conspiracy betraying my confidence. Without my knowing they met up with our landlord, and pretty much complained to him about what they dont like about me. Im due to have a meeting with these cowardly beings on Monday evening, to which I will attend and show my disdain for their lack of clear honesty and faithfulness. They havent even expressed many of these problems towards me, and most of them are just petty things relating to my character. Im sorry, you knew I worked a LOT of hours and awkward shift times, I dont choose to be unsociable, but Im always game for a chat or beer if you want to invite me. I feel utterly betrayed. I have found the most lovely house and environment and location. I will not be made to feel like an outcast yet a fucking gain!

It always seems to happen to me...making my struggle to attain complete confidence within myself and towards other people. These people chose me to move in over a good few other people, but then seek to complain about me rather than discuss the issue face to face. This problem doesnt really threaten or bother me too much, as I know that I cannot be forced out, as Im under a contract. Plus their reasons wont even warrant enough power should they want me out at the end of the contract. I keep trying to believe in mankind and have faith that there are people out there who express love and compassion for me. I show a LOT of compassion to other people, relevant to how much compassion I feel from them.

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The next topic I would like to discuss is Love. This small little, four letter word has been punishing me for quite some time. The hurt is fading, but sometimes it slithers and wraps round my heart like deadly vines, which are alive. For a moment, Im paralysed, in fear. I dont ever know when I should feel such a feeling again. I believe I have only been or loved anyone once. Most of you know who this person was...or used to be. I have the utmost repressed envy for all of you whom Ive met. You're all experiencing this special feeling as you are reading this entry. Some of you have been graced by the magnitude and wonder of Love for quite some time, perhaps even years, but many different people too, friends, family and especially that one most amazing person who captures your heart in just a glimpse.

You all are so very incredibly lucky. As you are reading this, I really hope you are thinking of those people, or even that one person who you love dearly. Do not let them go, battle through every war, endure every heartache, because those strong enough to fight and survive through a detrimental shitstorm and hard times, are the hardest of hearts, the keeper of love. A reminiscent paradise of which for many people are just but a clandestine utopia, never appearing upon their present earth, or speculating among their everyday life. Love to some is but a dream, and others bask in the glory of the most delightful clouds and strikingly clear blue skies.

Do not be afraid to show your love to the people who do you love.

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I apologise to everyone who Ive snapped at, been moody towards and misunderstood their intentions, actions or words. For every person I do talk to, I do it out of choice and affection. I only have the purest of intentions, and that is to be liked, or even loved. There is a person who I care about more than just a friend, but she might not ever know because of my fear I have for rejection. But instead of worrying myself and enduring the possible craptastic heartache, I shall enjoy the pleasure of her company as much as I can and wishes that she too finds that one person who will bring her joy, love and compassion, even if that person isnt me.

I wont ever stop searching for happiness. But Im growing tired of this long and most difficult journey. Especially concerning the female fatalistics, they are such a wonderful and amazing species, but they have a devastating amount of power. For the moment, I am just going to take a ride in the backseat, feel the breeze desperately blasting my face, the sunshine gleaming into my eyes, trying to pierce my fierce determination, calming me, relaxing and telling me to enjoy life and stop searching so hard. Happiness belongs to the happy, but for now, I will enjoy climbing the tower of perdition and releasing myself wholly from my past and all its afflictions.

Happiness here I come, will you be waiting?

Carefully Caressing Contemplations

So I just went to watch a midnight screening of the new X Men film "First Class" It was pretty damn amazing, easily the best action type film Ive seen in a very long time. It had all the right elements, the casting and acting was incredible and the overall story was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed it :) But it also called up a lot of philosophical issues, which is what I would like to blog about tonight, so you've been warned! :P

I always like watching films which have a supernatural theme to them. It really blows me away, the possibilities which can be achieved. It never mattered so much when I was younger, growing up, watching various films and tv shows, no there is a need for deeper understanding and explanation. But it also peaks my curiosity, because although they outline how the powers work in the film to an extent, it never reveals the entire inner workings and methods. This really makes me feel quite naive and almost ignorant to how things work. I have a very natural curiosity level, and a slight obsession with wanting to know as much as I can. I really am going to try my best to learn more about physics and biology, and explore just the slight possibility of mutations happening. It really does fascinate and intrigue me. It would be amazing to discover that there may be a way humans can alter certain states and their effects.

I remember the film also had a pretty amazing quote, which kinda went like "Jeckyl and Hyde was never about good and evil, it was about man taming the beast inside of him and learning to focus and control it" Which I feel is really true. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense that we all have a greater power within us that we seem to be covering up most of the time. I think a lot of people around me are really repressed and unaware of human capabilities. Im not even sure if they are interested in exploring this, as some people are quite happy ploodding along in life, which is all fine, of course :) Im just merely expressing an interest beyond the fathoms of other people. I always believe I can be faster, stronger and more mature. In time, I will make this happen and be able to report said changes and show that we all have a beast in us waiting to be unleashed and show ourselves our true power and capabilities. Either that or I live in a dream world hehe :P

Another theme I'd like to touch on is conflict. It shows how two best friends became enemies. It just seemed rather sad at how both parties became conflicted and the only result way to go their own way, but also encounter conflict with each other because of the opposite journey to the same goal. I think that holds true with a lot of friendships today...as much as people argue and fight, they still care about each other and wish each other happiness. Some people just simply give up and lose faith or they just simply dont understand the reasoning of the other person, which is really sad, but it happens. I guess everyone is trying to ultimately reach the same goal...and that goal is happiness. If their way to happiness means not being your friend or lover, then so be it. After all you both want each other to reach that goal, why stop them? Im just pretty sad at all the people who have wished to cease all contact with me through silly reasons...I really enjoy friendship and talking to people, but it seems lately people are distancing themselves from me and this makes me quite sad and makes me feel like something is terribly wrong with me :(

I think they are the key points I really needed to let out tonight as they were really bugging me during the walk home from the cinema. I just thought I'd share these thoughts just in case you have the same thoughts and think you're strange for thinking them, well you're not, cos Im quite the freak and you'll be pleased to know I think about as many crazy things as you do :P

I really appreciate my life and I feel its heading into a really positive direction. I know Ive been all over the place lately and perhaps even a bit depressed, but I take full responsibility and Im not even sure why I let this happen to me, Ive been slipping lately because of feeling like this, and I dont want to feel like it any longer. I dont enjoy being upset, its most definitely not like me. If I have upset any of you lovely people in the slightest lately, then I must apologies and hope that I have shown my apologies directly to you.

I miss you all, goodnight :3

Repeatedly Rolling in Reverse

So in recent weeks Ive been noticing a reoccuring pattern in my behaviour. I always seem to take one step forward, then two steps back. Sometimes the step forward will be in my head, and the two steps back appear in physical form. I like to fantasize about being productive and really kickstarting myself and progressing...but something happens...It doesnt feel like procrastination. Well maybe it is, perhaps in disguise?

I WILL make Project Sylo a full time project and not just a list of rules I can just pick and choose from.

I WILL follow a daily routine that will improve my life, my health and my happiness.

This is becoming tiring...to myself. I think of time that has passed, and think "If I had begun this way back then, I would have been 'X' by now" and that frustrates me to an unfathomable (is that event a word?!) degree. I cant seem to shake this, but I most definitely WILL very very soon.

Also girls, you suck! Many apologies. You just love fooling around with us guys D: Ive also discovered that Im the catalyst for your happiness. So if any point you've become interested in me and then its waned, you will most definitely find a boyfriend very soon after! Okay, this may seem a little childish, but whatever. Im also growing tired of finding a girl who is actually genuine, honest and committed. But Im The Seeker of Happiness for a reason :/

However, on a more positive note: I am putting a lot of effort into making my friends happy, and hopefully Karma will come around and reward me for such efforts :P Its great to know that I can create happiness within my friends, because they mean so much to me :)

Im not quite sure what else I wanted to say here. I also felt guilty for not updating in a while for there is not much to note. Im a more philosophical blogger as opposed to posting about boring, crappy everyday stuff ^^

Goodnight lovely, awesome people! :3

Belated Blessing of a Befriender

So yet again, someone predicted that the world will end....when will these people see that their flawed logic and clearly insane prediections just do not cut it. Im not quite sure of why people feel the need to share their opinions with the world about the worlds demise, and their opinion gets publicised because they have credentials :/

Besides, even if the world did happen to end earlier this evening, Ive had a bloody good month! Possibly one of the best Months of my life. Full of cherished memories and events, new friendships, potential and personal improvement. I feel I have been blessed, for an athiest, life sure works in a strange way in my eyes.

Sometimes I fail to realise just how awesome my life is. Im not trying to come across as big-headed or cocky, because believe me, I have my flaws and doubts in general. But looking at my life comparitively, I have it pretty damn good. It makes a huge difference to my mindset. This time last year was pretty damn awful and terrible and would really not want to relive them days at all. However, there are just a few problems/concerns I have. I would like to find a good confidant/friend that I confess to...because lately Ive been needing to talk to people but I find my trust is tested when I feel myself allowing my issues to be in the hands of someone I trust. I miss having a person I can tell anything to and know that it will all be okay and that someone listens without judgement.

Its been a long time since Ive been close with anyone, enough to trust them with my inner thoughts and feelings. Ive had a few very close friends, but they have devastated my trust and I also made foolish mistakes. There is one person who Im starting to think has the potential to be a very close friend, but Im still wary with the amount of trust and personal information I give him...I guess thats only natural right...?

For now, I am committing myself fully to project sylo and will be doing everything I can to enforce the "rules" within my project. I cannot let myself slip too many times, because I will deviate from everything that is meaningful. This project is the catalyst to a better life and better mind and hopefully it'll lead me somewhere close to happiness...

If you are reading this and communicate with me on a regular basis, or you see me frequently or occasionally, then chances are I like you. Im also very extremely glad for your time. I very much enjoy the company of people who are willing to show that they appreciate mine. Thanks for reading, I know its not a deep entry, but just wanted to update :)

Goodnight everyone :)

Attempting to control challenging catalysts

I am in a rather strange place and time in my life now. Im not sure if its because Im reading all these different types of books offering advice, solutions and answering general queries about life and love. Dont get me wrong, Im completely confident with the way I handle my life. But I always like to be intrinsic and live vicariously and also amuse myself by looking at other people and how they live their life and make their decisions.

Maybe what I am experiencing is change? I feel like Ive taken in some critical information and knowledge that has embedded into my brain and mind and created a new way of thinking. I feel much more self aware and so much more in control (of myself, Im not a control freak!) I also think that what Im feeling right now is a result of me deciding, whether consciously or subconsciously, to take more responsibility for the events, mishaps and occurances in my life. I no longer feel the need to shun or drop responsibility onto other people. I am happy to accept my mistakes, shortcomings or errs that are indeed wholly my fault. This isnt about being shameful or selfish, or perhaps guilty. You take the responsibility, you accept it, then you think of a rational solution and then you let it go. Thats right you LET IT GO.

In order to heal and regenerate our courage and security, we need to be rid of the torments that plague our mind and memories. I have been both awful and terrible with this. Far too many times Ive let the grasp of depressing capture itself round my neck, pressing down on my chest and suffocating the life out of me. It may seem like an exasperated metaphor, but really, it sucks your whole entire personality dry. You become this person who exudes negative energy, who has lost the buzz, zest and lust for life. Who no longer cares what they wear, how they smell, or if they mistakenly buy kitchen roll instead of toilet roll but use it anyway! The point is, Ive been there, done that (not the kitchen roll bit, god no!) and got as many t shirts as justin beiber has bounties on his head! Eventually you come out the other end of this big, dark, blackened cathartic void that is depression and you see everything for how it should be.

Its taken me a good few years to become the way I am. Which is a much better person than I ever was before. To people reading this now who have some bad memories of me, I really do apologise. My intent was not to cause you harm or offence. I hope that I have regained any trust or sentiments lost within our bonds. My penance has been attained by losing friends and loved ones. I also believe that Karma has jumped on the same bandwagon, which is good...we can be buddies at times, me and karma :)

I dont even know if I am making much sense. Ive taken in so much information in the last couple of days that my head is a big psychological and philosophical mindbendingly torrent storm. So I do hope a shred of information from my blog entry has infiltrated or been accepted into your mind and taken on board. I feel that perhaps I could elaborate on a few points, but Im losing focus and I dont wanna confuse any more people.

In the end, we are our own salvation. You can only rescue yourself from...yourself. Also your life. Yes people help and yes people offer support, care and love. But ultimately any decision you make will be your own. As long as you are aware of this, you have the knowledge that something can be done, regardless. You should be learning to accept full responsibility for those situations you've shunned the blame for. I hope Im not preaching, but this is all what Ive had to learn myself.

A perfect fitting quote here would be by Mr Dave McPherson, the legendary frontman for the progressive rock band InMe, and it goes like this: "Im not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"

Goodnight all you amazing and beautiful people that are reading this. I appreciate every yachtosecond of your time :3

Pretty Pity in Piety

I cant believe I havent posted for over a month...that is simply unacceptable. Also, Ive not really been happy with the way Sylo has been going. Its half working, but Im slightly struggling to stick to the other rules to Sylo, which gets me down when Im feeling productive. I just feel that I keep letting myself down and I dont feel too proud about it. I dont mean to start off a fresh entry by being bit down. Im just merely posting this to express the disappointment I feel for myself regarding my whole self improvement plan :(

But aside from the rather nullifying statement above, I have been venturing into more happy endeavours, which is always playing a tune on the happy scale :) I have been to see Dave McPherson a couple of times, which was absolutely mind-blowingly amazing :D Ive purchased a new laptop and some skullcandy headphones, which Im sure you've seen on facebook :) A friend recently came and visited me, and I rediscovered my love for Nandos! That place is heaven :D I also wrote another poem last night, its on my facebook notes if you would like to check it out.

So basically Project Sylo will be back in play. I need a good hard kick up the arse, I really want to focus on improving the overall quality of my life, and thats the whole point of Project Sylo. I have been feeling really great lately, drinking 2 litres of water a day is certainly helping. So thats a top tip I recommend to anyone wishing to make the most minimalistic improvement in your life. You'd be surprised how vastly water affects our body and our mood :)

I am going to see Panic! At the Disco on Monday, yes I know, Im a lucky bugger, already been told that by many people! :P I am going to see Dave McPherson again on the 21st, which is going to be amazing of course! Then hopefully a good friend of mine is coming to stay for a couple of days, which will also be a great time! Lots to look forward to for the rest of this month then. June however is still quiet.... :P

Im gonna make sure that I update this even more regularly than I used to, as I know some of you miss my entries :) Just bear with me if I rant, get a bit depressed/emo and just generally post about garbage or my opinions on this world and everything in general.

Im glad to be back and Im alive and well. Please keep reading and to those who have recently met me, welcome to my world. I am the Seeker of Happiness :3

Illness and Introspect

I know what you must be thinking...and even I am growing tired of my silly setbacks and procrastinations. I dont really have any real good reason or explanation, but I can at least attempt to justify what has been happening recently.

As I moved into my new place, my bad diet from the previous few weeks started to catch up with me. My tummy was being grumpy and really didnt enjoy what I had been doing to myself. Dont worry, I didnt fall too far off the wagon! I didnt drink any relentless or anything. However, I didnt eat properly and I really wasnt eating the right foods, I had junk food here and there and food which really wasnt doing me any good. I have no one to blame but myself for this. But now my tummy has finally turned happy. From now on I shall ensure that I do not let myself go again. Ive had a taste of what I can achieve, the changes in my body during my first try of project sylo, the changes in my mentality and the changes in the quality of my life. It may all seem pretty dramatic, but you must remember that I am implenting project sylo as my way of life, so its pretty damn important to me :)

Well I have to let you all know that my new house is amazing, my room is huge and perfect with plenty of storage space. My housemates are really friendly and inviting. I just had a bath earlier this evening for the first time in over a year and it was such an amazing experience. Just to lay there in your own thoughts, with nice bubblebath :)

Work has been pretty damn fantastic, I am loving it so very much. There are 2 people I get along with really well, and they are Rhys and Natalie. Both of them work in the front and are such a good laugh and so easy going. They are also fairly new, like me :D Natalie has invited me and a few others to a poker night at her place on Friday. Its gonna be awesome, I havent played poker in ages and its gonna be really nice just to chillout and have a laugh with people I genuinely like :)

Life is getting better and better. I also put a huge chunk in my savings account just before the new tax year, which allows me to save more. The limit stops you saving so much money tax free in one year. As I started my savings account last december, the limit also stops in December. Im also going to see InMe next month, Panic! At the Disco and a special Dave McPherson pledgers only solo gig, its gonna be absolutely mental! Also I MIGHT be attending Download festival, but Im not sure yet...Im hoping a few other friends come too, so that'll inspire me to go along if I know there is gonna be a good little group of us :)

How is everyone? I hope all of you who are reading this are happy and having fun in your life. If you are reading this, then chances are I care about you, to some degree :) As always, I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Now I understand that this entry might be more of a social alleviation, but I will definitely be updating with some more philosophical insights at some point this week. I appreciate your time and thoughts in reading this. I must seem like a broken record if you have been following my blog, but I really mean what I say.

"I wont ever be distracted by the ones who want me to fail" - Dave McPherson

Always keep this in your mind :)

Temporary Delay

Sylo has taken a break until Friday. The reason for this is that I have a truly annoying housemate. He was okay to begin with, but I noticed he started victimising a fellow housemate, and this other housemate became my friend, and I tried to help him through the hardship this Rhys guy had been given him. My friend left about a week ago and has moved to a better place, but now this Rhys has focused his attention on me. Ive dealt with his behaviour passively and after studying how he acts and behaves Ive come to the conclusion that he is a passive aggressive. This involves quite a lot of negative mental thoughts. I dont really have the energy to explain it, but google the term if you must :)

Everytime Ive seen this guy around the house, he has always tried to start an argument with me, wrongful accusations about missing food, misplaced items and such. Or it will something completely irrelevant. The guy is an absolute nightmare. So as a result of this Sylo has been badly affected, my determination is diminishing and it feels beyond my control. However, I am moving into my new place on Friday, which is in 2 days. I really cant wait!

The new place is awesome, the room I have is twice as big, the housemates are friendly and sociable. I have the facilities to make Sylo a much better project. For instance, in my room there is a desk, which is perfect to start on my creative ideas, poetry, drawings and the like :) I'll also be starting a new gym, the gym I was with before was the one Rhys worked in, he is a personal trainer there. So as with moving and getting on with things, I dont need to be bumping into this guy again. I just feel like the last 2 weeks have been really crappy. Its not that Ive become distracted, Ive become restricted, almost beyond control. I cannot allow this to happen, which is why I am moving.

Once I move on Friday, I will be working twice as hard to make sure Sylo is a flourishing and successful project and I will have learnt something from all this and make sure that it never happens again. Its okay to falter, as long as you avoid failure. I hope you dont see me as weak, but as a strong person who is making a change in my life for the better in order to continue to improve myself.

I also know that no matter where I am or the progress Ive made in Sylo, you, my friends, will always be with me :)

Pushing Past Procrastination

First of all, I would just like to say that I have recently discovered that more people have been reading my blog, whom I werent aware were following it. I'd just like to say a massive thank you, you lovely people who read this only fuel my desire to achieve completion of project sylo :)

So a few little bullet point updates:

One week tomorrow until I move into my new place!

Went out last night with workmates, its was a damn amazing night, loved it!

Panic! At the Disco has a new album and its mentally amazing, check it out! :D

So now Ive been working at this pizza hut for about a month and so far its been so much more than I ever expected. The people who work there are truly amazing, I dont dislike anyone and I have a laugh with everyone. Im not used to being so included and respected in a workplace before, so its really great when I get shown appreciation for my hard work or passion for my job. I also got my first "GES" Which is basically a customer review of your service and their experience of their visit to the restaurant. Its basically the ultimate recognition for going above and beyond the normal 'call of duty' Getting this after only working as a waiter for ONE week, is truly amazing :)

Also, do any of you remember my entry about this girl I really like? Well if you do remember, I have very good news. She has agreed to go on a date with me on the 6th April. Yes, I know, its a long time to wait haha! But I believe taking things slow is the greatest approach to a potential relationship. I for one, am certainly quietly excited and overjoyed at this opportunity. Watch this space :)

Tomorrow is my first day off in about 10 days, so it'll be very lush. Im going to be spending it with my housemate, as its his birthday. His girlfriend and a few of his other friends will be having a few drinks then going out, so it should be a pretty fantastic night :D However, as usual, Mr Ricky, the 'Im always at work, never at home' guy, will be working the weekend :( But you know I love it! ;)
I think tomorrow I may post something a little philosophical, as I know thats what most of you expected when you clicked the link to this entry :P Im just a little tired and I dont have the mental energy required for my normal philosophic posts :(

Goodnight you wonderful people and once again Im happy that you are still reading my entries. Your support is appreciated beyond realisation.

Delapidated Downfall

I dont really know what is happening to me...I keep saying I'd update this blog frequently for all you awesome friends to read, but each time I fail. I hope that people are still reading this and take an interest in what I do or mainly think about. I have been so terribly busy lately and Im working so many hours and when I get home I catch up with people on msn and such, check my facebook, make some food. I just like Im making no time for myself. Im taking all hours that are offered to me...I havent even really been able to make it to the gym as much. Project Sylo is reaching critical level.

I need to get a grip and shake myself like a coconut tree and drop it like its hot! I have moments in my days where I feel really good and I can conquer anything, but I realise Ive been lacking and havent been pushing myself in regards to Sylo. This is where slight regret slips in and I start feeling guilty about letting myself suffer from setbacks to my own fault. I am fairly annoyed at my actions, or lack thereof. Does anyone else feel this at all? In any change you make in your life, however small. Do you feel this slight frustration and guilt everytime you feel like you just arent trying hard enough?

The important thing to remember is that you have to take responsibility for this. Its no good me turning round and saying, "Im working too hard", because I asked for it, nor would it be fair to say, "Im busy catching up with my friends" because I enjoy their company and conversations. I just simply need to manage my time better and fit in some "me time" where I can go to the gym, write poetry, and update my blog and perhaps read a little more too. I am definitely slacking in all the aforementioned activities and for this I am disappointed in myself, but Im equally happy to take full responsibility and I will take action against this :)

Most of you probably dont know, but for the last month, a housemate has been acting so terrible and causing so much uproar and discomfort in the house that it has unsettled everyone, including me. His aura and moods affect the flow of the house and changes peoples moods and motivation. It adds to my lacking motivation. On the 1st of April I am moving into a beautiful house with a nice big spacious room, with a desk and all other furnitures needed to well...live. This room is currently lacking those facilities. Ive also met the housemate I'll be moving in with, and all seem very laid back and chilled out. They are all phD students, which is comforting :) So I predict a growth of success with project sylo and a dramatic increase in happiness and motivation.

Me moving out after only being here for 2 months is showing my strength to not accept any crap in my life. I wont stand for this idiots behaviour towards me or the rest of the house. I am taking action and moving to better surroundings and more comfortable environment. Know that you have the power to do this also. If there is one thing in your life thats eating away at you and you keep thinking "I really should deal with this, its not good for me" DEAL WITH IT! Dont stand for anything you dont want or like. We all have the power to control what and who are in our lives. Dont be miserable because of someone or something else, find a solution and combat the problem. This is the small journey Im currently making. I cant predict that it will lead to happiness, but I am certainly hoping that it'll be a step :)

Goodnight to you all and I really hope you keep reading my blogs. I seriously appreciate your time. Thank you :)

Gig Gibberish!

Dave McPherson - Solo Gig Tour!!

So Thursday night I went to see Dave on his solo tour in Manchester. It was pretty damn awesome. I spotted Dave on the merch stall when the first performers were on, just casual selling his own stuff, what a ledge! My friend Lyndsey brought a t shirt and after much deliberation choosing a design, I also purchased a t shirt :D During the gig I met the 2 people who pledged for the Super VIP tickets, which basically involved Dave coming to pick them up at their house, go for a meal and a few drinks, then to the gig, all his CDs and then driven home and beers after! Their names were Ste and Raisa (like Raizer). They were really, really awesome people and I have definitely made friends for life with them two. Raisa was heartbroken that I moved to Cardiff cos apparently Im so awesome haha! My usual gig buddies rick and viki were there too rocking out :D Also made a few other friends there too, facebook has become so much easier for networking, I love it! So a fantastic night, singing to Daves songs with everyone, having a few drinks and there was even a massive photo session with the crowd and Dave after, awesome! I stuck around for a bit after and actually had time to chat with Dave and these 2 girls who grew up with him and everything. Theres so much to say I guess, but dont wanna bore you all ha! It was one of the most awesome nights of my life :)

Friday, me and Lyndsey headed for Liverpool, checked into a LUSH 4 star hotel, chilled out for a bit, got some food and bits, then went to the gig venue which was right round the corner from where we were staying. It was mad, as I entered the place, Dave was just at the bar getting a drink, crazy! Just to see someone like him chilling buying a drink like a normal guy. Me and Lyndsey got a little drink and headed to the closest table near the stage. I noticed that they had a scrabble set and other games there, so I challenged Lyndsey to a game haha! We were just chilling playing scrabble having a drink while the (terrible) support acts were playing, it was awesome, so geeky! Dave rocked once again, but it was just a shame that the crowd was nothing like the awesome people who were rocking it hard at Manchester. But still, I was impressed with Daves gig :D

ANYWAYS! There's probably a lot more to tell, but it was just an amazing couple of days, and hanging out and talking to Dave was easily the best part of the whole experience. Also meeting fellow hardcore fans was pure awesome. Im hoping to have Dave play a gig for my birthday and I can invite all the close fans to it and have a damn good celebration! Here's hoping.

In other news, Ive told this girl how I feel about her. I was on the coach on the way home listening to good old Paul Collier, such perfect music for just totally relaxing and zoning out. It just like slowly came to me that I should just be straight with this girl before its too late. So I sent her a lil text telling her what I thought and she feels the same, as luck or something would have it. So we are going to take things very slow, but Im already looking forward to that first date, its gonna be so lush.

Basically I reeeeeeally like this lovely girl, so fingers crossed :)

God, this entry looks like mush :/ Theres just so much to say, Im tired, early start tomorrow and Ive already failed in posting more than once a week, argh!

Im going to post a more philosophical entry tomorrow night, back to the usual. My day to day stuff sounds so boring when I type it out haha!

Project Sylo is slipping, I was quite naughty during them three days, so Im gonna have to kick myself up the butt and get myself back into gear! I cant fail myself :(
Im feeling all confuddled, this whole entry is probably complete rubbish to you all haha!
Will definitely make a more detailed and better quality entry tomorrow :)

A Distorted Membrane

First of all, I ask you who are reading to forgive me for the delay in updating. Its shocking to see how quick a week passes by without too much notice. I have already said that Sylo has granted me less time to myself, so its difficult to jam everything in, so my time management will need to be ammended in due time!

I had the most strangest dream last night...My 'idol' (I dont tend to idolise anyone though really) Dave McPherson was apparent in my dream a LOT. I remember briefly talking to him on msn, and I remember being at his house, or at least a house he had to use for this party. I remember other fans and I think some of my friends were there too. I remember there being a lot of chaos, but alas, I cannot remember what exactly happened, which is a shame. Its the first time Ive dreamt about someone famous. I still remember meeting Dave back in January...that was such an epic moment in my life, sounds sad I know. I'll blog about it another day. This is just in relation to my blog title.

Its quite strange actually...In my dreams, I never really dream too far beyond reality. Its grounded but with a hint of distortion. Such as real people and places...but with scenarios that would, or could never happen. Yet as I walk this earth with my eyes open and conscious clear, I am constantly dreaming of a utopian world that not just me, but I believe the whole world desires. I dont really have many selfish needs, especially since my project has started, Ive given up a lot of greed and other sins. Things such as an end to war, war is a product of political advancement anyway, so it doesnt make a lot of sense. Famine, starvation, homelessness...all these need to be fixed. I find it difficult to think of an ideal selfish object or ideal that I could possess in my utopian world. So I believe I hold a view that many share also.

Do any of you reading this feel this way? Dont be afraid to question it, the gain is to understand more about yourself. I just find it interesting how I dream about reality, but in reality I dream.

I'd like to talk about something which I have found very frustrating during my two weeks of project Sylo...I am very shocked at how expensive 'good' food is. Going round multiple shops and supermarkets, the rising cost of food is almost extortionate. I just could not believe how expensive food has become. Tuna is especially pricey, its like just over £1 for a can, of the good tuna, not supermarkets own brand, urgh. I wouldnt be too bothered, but I used to use tuna in my diet for the protein. But now I am finding many good foods that are full of protein, taste nicer and are a little bit cheaper :P

I couldnt believe I spent money on chocolate, fizzy drinks, well mainly relentless, which is very pricey. Sure, I cant treat myself once in a while. But since starting this project, my thoughts conflict a lot more with my old habits now. I am adapting to this new change subconsciously, which must be a good thing, as I am essentially reprogramming myself, which apparently takes a lot of willpower and courage. The more I see how expensive things have become, the more shrewed with my money I am, and I think about what good this food I put in my body will do. Ive explained in my past entries how it makes a difference what I eat and how good I feel because of it all. I do hope Im not rambling....and my point has been delivered in this paragraph.

Im hoping that when you great people read my blog entries, you take away some information and think about it. One of my dreams in life is to be able to help people any way I can. There is very little selfish motivation for this blog. I could quite easily just type it up in word and keep it for me to read when Im an old man. But I like to think that someone will benefit from the words I type here.

Also, I'd just like to say that because I am making major changes to my life right now, I dont look down with prejudice upon others around me for not making the same improvements on their life. I believe in free will and the ability to chase dreams or live realistically. Whatever your motivation or satisfactions, I will respect and perhaps encourage it (although I obviously dont advocate illegal activities or such!)

I am ashamed that this is my first blog of March. I have been procrastinating fairly frequently this month, I'll admit....Breaking a few key Sylo rules and suchlike. I am hoping that this is a one off. I have just faltered this week. My emotions and strengths have been tested by those willing to see it so. But, I will always do my best to hold strong, no matter what. Im not sure if you have noticed...but at the top of my blog home page, under my blog name, is a line from a great song. Which is what I'll leave with you with tonight. Think about it...Im sure it will apply to you all.

Goodnight you lovely, awesome smexy people :)

"I wont ever be distracted by the ones who want me to fail"

Project SYLO Progress - and a inspirational gesture

Hey friends, lovers, stalkers?! Welcome back to my seemingly awesome blog :)

Earlier tonight, I felt fantastic. This reason for this, was because I gave some money to charity. No, I didnt simply stick some pennies into a collectors pot. Sitting comfy? Okay, I shall tell you about it.

I was walking home from work tonight, and for working so damn hard, my boss let me take home a pizza :D I usually take the underpass to cross the main road by the museum. As I was approaching the underpass, I saw a homeless guy with just a sleeping blanket. I fished into my pocket where I KNEW I had some change, and had about £1.50, I got this ready in my hand, and as I passed him, I stopped and gave him my change, I wished him a good night. After about 20 steps, I realised I had cut up my pizza and split it into 3 boxes so they would fit neatly into my rucksack. I stopped, turned around, and reapproached the homeless guy. I asked him if he was hungry (yeah I know, silly question!) He said yes, so I unzipped my bag and took out one of the boxes and gave it to him, he seemed so happy! I wished him a good night again, then set off to my journey home. Whilst doing so, I had an amazing sense of achievement and happiness, I actually physically grinned as I was walking haha :D So, my brief happiness was caused by giving to this homeless guy, that small donation made a whole world of difference to him, and it also gave him hope, that there are still people who care in this world. This brings me to 2 more points I need to make on this subject.

Recently Ive been watching the anime "Full Metal Alchemist" and its based on this series in which 2 brothers, who are alchemists go in search of the ultimate alchemy tool. However, on the way, they discover many people who choose to abuse the power of alchemy and use it for the wrong reasons. Im going to quote a line from the series, which I think is very fitting to my little story above.
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"To create, something of equal value must be lost. This is the principle of Equivalent Exchange, that gain requires sacrifice"
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Now, explaining this to fit the topic at hand: I sacrificed some money that I wont really miss and some food which was a reward for my hard work, for the happiness of a homeless man who will have a much better night now. My gain was happiness, which was a reward for my sacrifice. I hope I have explained this well enough for you awesome readers to understand :D

Point number 2!

I am hoping to extend my good deed earlier and actually turn it into a project. I am going to find a way to reach out and help the homeless people all across Cardiff. I have been homeless several times and its not pretty. Its scary, lonely and incredibly frightening. I would ideally like to hire out a building with a grant and set up a homeless shelter, so people have somewhere warm to spend the night, and I will even use my awesome cooking skills to cook meals for the homeless too. There has to be somewhere like this already in Cardiff, it would be devasting if I learn that there are no facilites around to help such people. This is a goal to be added to Project SYLO.

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Project SYLO Progress!

This is a preliminary report, as all the targets of the project have yet to be met due to circumstances I cannot control and facilities I do not have, as of yet.

1. Quitting Relentless - A few withdrawals, but not uncontrollable. I could live happily without this drink.

2. No fizzy drinks. Did a test the other day after a week of the new diet, and it tore my insides apart! I felt rubbish, so much air in my gut and just made me feel awful, didnt really taste that nice either (I had Dr. Pepper) So THATS the worst that could happen, TAKE THAT!

3. Sleep before 1am. I wake up for about 9am, but I think I could trim up to an hour off this, especially when I really get into my gym training. It really is nice to see the mornings again and just laze around for a few hours before work and such :D

4. No eating after 10pm. Although many people think this is rubbish, its done me a LOT of good. My digestive system has been amazing. I dont feel bloated and horrible in the morning. I am feeling quite hungry around this time, but this will help with my diet, because I'll be able to handle a fairly big breakfast in the morning. This has been a HUGE success. Thanks to Kikijui (fellow blogger!) for the tip :)

5. No chocolate/junk food. AMAZING success! Ive had a couple of cravings for something a little lush, but have held back. However my gym trainer says that I should treat myself once a week, as he thought my whole project seemed a little harsh and that I should have at least a small amount of enjoyment from it haha! My only real treat aside from the crap is Flapjack, which I am LOVING!

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So far my project is a roaring success! I am very happy and incredibly proud of the changes I have made and the differences Ive seen :D This week sees the start of my gym weight training program. This is the next major step of project SYLO and will no doubt be a lot tougher than these smaller goals above. Diet and training will be the key focus point of this entire project.

I hope I havent bored you too much! But I also hope that you have had a great read and enjoyed what I have written. Even if you have learnt only one thing from this, its all been worth it. And no, I dont mean learnt one thing about me, Im hoping that from my entries you'll learn something about yourself, the way you wanna change your life, or how differently you wish to see or experience the world. Remember, we limit ourselves. Set yourself free, open your mind and we can accomplish anything!

Seeker Out!

A Vision of Beauty

Ive noticed its been a whole 4 days since I last posted..I hope you lovely people who are reading this can forgive me for depriving you of your precious entitlement to my blog :P Whoever is reading this, I would suspect cares for me on some level, and thank you for reading, you have allowed yourself to be immersed inside the inner workings of the most amazing and complex group of electrodes you probably know.... my mind :)

Tonight, I would like to talk about beauty, in all forms. In this world, there are such incredible saturations of natural, splendid beauty. Each day we may see an extremely high number of objects which exude some form of beauty, even man made. Everything we see and interpret as beauty must be appreciated. It seems to me that too many people walk around with their heads to the ground, completey excluding the world from their view, they may as well be blind, only then to insult the blind people who could not choose to be excluded with the precious sense of sight.

The invention of technology has vastly infected this world. We have become lazy and ignorant. In the times without technology, and probably a long time before, people were highly creative in the most natural sense. Wood Carvings, stone formations, all type of paintings and art, musical instruments...all these are so perfectly beautiful. Also, the resources to do some of these are becoming increasingly harder to obtain. Ive always wanted to do wood carvings, but have not found anywhere that teaches this. Of course, I can teach myself, but thats not the point. The point is that is I cant find a class that will teach this, then creative ability is being diminished in respect to this certain craft.

I work next to Cardiff Castle, I still havent been inside or had a look around yet, but I sure do plan to. I live near a beautiful bay and there are many amazing parks and natural grounds still to be seen. Ever so slowly, all this greenery and historic monuments are being crowded or even destroyed by modern technology or rather, society. Sure, there is plenty of fields when you venture out into the country, but even some of that is farmland and its a long way from home. When the government announced their wish to buy a public forest, it outraged everyone, and I didnt even think they gave it a single thought as to why it would be a bad idea. Such idiots trying to monopolise land to save their own arses! The point Im trying to make is to try your best to realise the natural beauty around you, in your local area and appreciate it in someway. Because they are the moments you should truly hold in your heart, not the storyline of a soap or the new phone thats coming out.

If you are still reading, my awesome friends, then I thank you. Hopefully by now you have an idea of how much I chat rubbish haha! So you can decide to stop reading future blogs, I know they are text heavy, so I do apologise. I thank you for reading all this. I only hope Im delivery a good read, if there are any topics you would like to me express an opinion about, then please do post a comment below with a suggestion, or even send me a message on Facebook.

I shall deliver an entry with my first week of Project SYLO very soon, Im sure some of you are excited to hear about it <3

Responsibility and a splash of Happiness

Hello awesome readers =D

First out, I am going to start with Responsibilty. Well, lack thereof!

RESPONSIBILITY!

It annoys me that there are so many people today expressing complete ignorance to the people around them. Feigining interest yet lacking responsibility. This has been bugging me for a good couple of months now. Ever since I started my counselling studies, I have been observing people more closely. They probably dont feel my eyes examining their posture, their body language or my ears picking up on their fatal tone of sarcasm. But oh boy, its there alright and Im watching you like a hawk. Do you know why? Because you make people feel like shit!

Its people like this who fail to take responsibility for their own actions, words, behaviour. Everything we do has a ripple effect, no matter how small. But there are a great, vast number of people who BLAME their own actions and words on other people, saying that it was them who caused this reaction. NO! You have a choice in what words come out of your mouth and the way you treat people. Please take responsibility for this. If I have had an extremely shit day at work (which is rare, I may add) then I dont come home, talk to my friends like shit, then blame work for the way I am. No, I am simply being IGNORANT. Thats right, the word I used in the paragraph above.

Ignorance and responsibility tie in quite neatly here I think :)

Now onto Happiness, and no, its not going to be a 'happy' statement. Its going to be one of realism and stark, painful reality. As much as I obsess to be a dreamer and an idealistic socialist, I am always very aware and observant that reality has very much grounded us. Lets begin.

HAPPINESS!

Now, I have gone through most of my life being dreadfully neglected, and no, this isnt a sympathy call, I wont give you my number. This is me telling you straight. I wont attempt to try and descibe what happiness is right now, because thats not the point of this entry. This entry is about the use of happiness and what comes with it.

First of all, happiness comes from within, no one is going to come down with a silver platter and present to you happiness on a plate, Im sorry, it just doesnt work like that. Happiness has to be GAINED. Much like exp in any and all great RPG games (apart from FFX, cos of the weird sphere grid thingy...anyway!) So yeah, we gain it, in a way, we kind of earn it. Thats of course, if you believe in granting yourself happiness. Presenting my view on happiness this way is not me being pessimistic, of course not. I am simply stating that it would be foolish to present your heart on a plate to anyone who is feeling hungry. So, you're a loner, thats right, you. Suppose so, humour yourself. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Now that person is your whole damn world and you love spending every waking breath with them. But she has a life, she other interests and hobbies that consume a lot of her time. She is the most interesting and fascinating person you have ever met. Then something terrible happens, oh no! They tell you that they do not wish to spend time with you anymore, yes you, the loner remember? Now she's made this decision, its her will and her command. Do you see my point here? - Their happiness does not falter -

You need to ensure that your happiness is owned by only you, no one else can hold that. Or rather, you must not let anyone else hold this, because it will ultimately destroy you as it has done me a few times in the past. I do apologise for this being a bit pessimistic, but for those lovely people who are reading this, you all know that I am a person with a big heart and many dreams, so pessimism is not my constant. Im far too complex for a one path view :P

HUZZAH!!

Now I shall end it here, also with a congratulations. Yes, to you, my relentless viewers. I have both appreciation and admiration for wading through that awful troth of words above these bunch of jumbled words. I write in hastiness and I write from exact though, my fingers do not leave the keyboard once I start typing. So now that my writing style can be erratic and random. But in essence, I always mean the best. If only one person has learnt something from reading this, then my purpose has been served. I have reached one heart. My career will hopefully see me serve many more.

Goodnight you smexy people <3

A New Beginning

I am the Seeker of Happiness and this is a complete reboot of my own personal development program, simply entitled "Project SYLO"

The idea for this project first formed about 10 months after my ex broke my heart. I was August 2009 and I was devasted, my world shattered. Summer 2010 - I realised I was slowly dragging myself down to the deepest pits of depression, almost as if I was 18. But NO! I realised. I am an adult now, I have the power to change my life, more importantly, I had the will, the hunger, to better myself in almost every way I could think of. I procrastinated for a few months, trying to figure out all the ideas/targets and goals for this brand new, life-changing, self enhancing project. It needed a lot of thought and planning before I could even contemplate putting it into action.

As a teenager, I was bullied, isolated and had very few friends and I could not trust any single person, not even my family. I was very skinny as a child and was relentless bullied and taunted and made fun of. Although terrifying at the time, I have drawn strength from these times and used the feelings I felt back then, as fuel for my motivation to better myself. Having no control as a young child and perhaps even as a teenager was terrible.

Now at 25, I have an extreme understanding of the way the world works and how people interact, it fascinates me. I now had the awareness to know that I can make a difference, to the world, and more importantly, to myself. I want to become stronger, faster, smarter, more kind, considerate and respectful to whoever I connect with and try as hard as I can to make a great deal of difference to the world in which I will soon immerse myself in.

The beginning of 2011. A new beginning, time to shine and rise from the disdained life I lead previously. February 2011 - A collosal change, circumstantial happenings forced my hand on a plan that was not to be launced until at least 6 months time. But, I braved the situation, and recently made the transitional lifestyle. So here I am, living alone in Cardiff, in a great house, with some warm, welcoming and friendly housemates. A new job and even a date on Wednesday!

Project SYLO is almost ready for take off. Before I begin to list my targets, I shall let you readers know that I very rarely drink alcohol, I do not smoke and I certainly do not indulge myself with any form of drugs. Yet, I still have improvements and goals I wish to attain.

Please excuse the rather excessive babbling. I enjoy writing, as you can probably tell. Now, you are perhaps wondering after reading the past two, long paragraphs as to what my targets are for this project. I will also include desireable changes and restrictions. If you are wondering, or if you are not, I shall list them below:

Banished Habits! -

NO chocolate
NO sweets
NO cakes or biscuits
NO microwave-able food
NO fizzy drinks
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Proposed targets for the rest of 2011

- Look 'like' Craig Horner *drool* (Google him)
- In bed by 1am LATEST!
- 300 situps a day
- Keep to a strict diet
- Workouts/Gym at least 4 times a week
- Get to a dentist and sort teeth out!
- Save at least £40 a week
- Write more poetry
- Write stories and general
- Draw more -get artistically creative
- Read more books
- Complete the 'Sword of Truth' bookset by Terry Goodkind (13 books lol)
- Play scrabble competitively
- Become more fluent in Swedish
- Get at least 2 professional photoshoots
- Visit one place in the world I havent been
- No food after 10pm

I believe there are still a few targets I would like to add to this list, but as this is a personal development project, Im sure there are many more targets I'd like to add during the course of my project. I will edit them in and update accordingly. I shall make an update of my proposed workout plan AND a rough daily diet.

I am not quite sure what to write about right now. I think I would just like to draw attention to the fact that we can all draw out a plan and hope that we abide by it. But this needs a great willpower and an incredibly strict enforcement, within yourself and perhaps with the support from friends.

Thank you for reading thus far. I do hope to gain support from as many people as I can. It would be fantastic to draw an awareness to anyone out there wishing to make a change in their life and wanting to improve themselves and reach as many people as I can. I apologise if this entry lacks precision or direction. I believe this is my writing style. I will fill in as many gaps as possible in the proceeding posts should there be any queries.

I am the Seeker of Happiness, and my journey begins.