Wading through the Quandary of Ambivalence

I know I have not posted for many months, and I do feel slightly guilty about this. I feel like I am wasting my writing talent by not using them effectively and as freely as I should. I also feel that perhaps many do not care much for what I have on my mind, my opinions or indeed the way I feel. I cant see exactly who views this, the number of different people who read it, I only have my judgement based on the people in my life. If you are reading this now, then I thank you. I feel like you care to some degree, or are just curious as to what I have to say after many months. Perhaps I have new readers, since accumulating more friends via facebook and such. If so, then welcome.

So, in these last few months I have achieved the following:

- Spent a month in Spain (without getting homesick)

- Procured a lovely girlfriend, her name is Kirsty; she's lovely and amazing.

- Almost maxed out my credit card (oops! But we all have debts somewhere)

- Been to a few gigs. Enter Shikari and Dave McPherson

- Puchased tickets to numerous events, such as the Final Fantasy Orchestral performance in London, Derren Brown etc.

- Learned a whole lot more about myself, the world around me and the people who inhabit it also.

- Procrastinated

So maybe not a whole lot, but having a girlfriend certainly changes my life and brings me a lot more happiness and positive energy.

Im not even sure what to talk about or where to start. I feel my writing style has left me, but Im sure it shall return the more I write. Which I plan to, as I thoroughly enjoy writing, especially if there are people who appreciate reading what I have to write :)

Lately I have been wading through a quandary of ambivalence. One which I am not too proud of, or happy about. It seems I am having a hard time with Project Sylo (for those who dont know what that is, please search for one of my first blog entries) I am lacking the motivation to get it kick started. I am also indulging one of my worst habits, which is wasting time. I really dislike time being wasted...If I feel like I am not doing anything creative, or such activity that improves my life to some degree, then I feel that the time just spent has been lost to procrastination or whatever force should apply. I do not need tips or criticism as to how I should behave in accordance to my feelings. I know and fully accept my responsibility for the actions I have taken.I see how much potential I have, the things I can achieve and how great I can be. But, at times, it feels like Im at the bottom of a HUGE cliff, and have NO idea of how to scale it. Sure, I may have faith and the knowledge of how to accomplish this task, but I dont necessary have the equipment needed to complete it. I feel like there is something missing perhaps...a certain motivative feature, or the knowledge of the method or the execution or order of how things should progress.

I am certain that very soon, I will just gather all the might and motivation I have and get myself kick started and stop indulging myself into procrastination. I am far from lazy, but I feel like there is some unseen force that is constantly attempting to strip me of my willpower, and it makes me feel somewhat useless.

I do apologise that this entry isnt all too positive and constructive. I just needed to express my thoughts in a manner in which I would feel that counteracts my procrastination as of late. I will be back to my normal self as soon as I can snap out of this strange mood I seem to have characteristically wondered into.

I am the Seeker of Happiness and my journey continues.



"I'm not a saint, but I can paint myself into a better picture"



- We all have the power to change who we are, are you strong enough?