So lately I have been a complete stereotypical pubescent emo youth, of which I am not very proud of, I assure you. I have suffered moodswings, slightly depressive states, frustration, procrastination, and idiocity and perhaps even ignorance. I have at times, disregarded myself and pushed myself to the kerb, believing others to have contributed. I always find it so easy to think that people have given up on me, or discarded me like the joker in a pack of cards, laughed away and flicked to the bin. My insecurities still tether just under the suface, like bubbling hot chocolate beneath the glorious fluffy marshmallows and lush whipped cream. I WANT to believe people and girls like me, but its such a hard task. I ctas my own misfortune upon myself. Who would want to keep trying to be nice and get to know me, if all I do is keep getting upset because my insecurities tell me they dont like me.
I was told today that out of all the people this one person knows, I am the most defensive, in regards to having a laugh or taking banter. Which, I wouldnt disagree with. This is precisely what I mean in the above paragraph when I am and have always been going through a hardship in regards to people affections. The more I believe and see that a person genuinely likes me for me, the more jokes and banter I can take from them. That doesnt mean I'll let my good friends get away with backhanded comments :P I can play fire with fire, but ultimately I know Im the one who is more likely to get burned. I sometimes do wonder where the good intention lies within the context, it can be a hard tone to decipher. I can seem to fathom the depths of peoples humour at times, especially if I cant even gauge the extent they like me too.
This is one of the main issues that keep reoccuring in my life and ultimately drives great people away from me, without it even being my intention, but alas, my cause. I will endeavour to do my best and try to lighten up as much as I can and see that these people are being affectionate, because they like me to some degree. To all those that have been affected by my defensive comments, I do apologise and hope you understand that I dont wish to offend you, its simply a matter of my insecurities trying to discern the meaning from your comments.
Another issue that has been swirling through my mind is the fact of my housemates. Their conspiracy betraying my confidence. Without my knowing they met up with our landlord, and pretty much complained to him about what they dont like about me. Im due to have a meeting with these cowardly beings on Monday evening, to which I will attend and show my disdain for their lack of clear honesty and faithfulness. They havent even expressed many of these problems towards me, and most of them are just petty things relating to my character. Im sorry, you knew I worked a LOT of hours and awkward shift times, I dont choose to be unsociable, but Im always game for a chat or beer if you want to invite me. I feel utterly betrayed. I have found the most lovely house and environment and location. I will not be made to feel like an outcast yet a fucking gain!
It always seems to happen to me...making my struggle to attain complete confidence within myself and towards other people. These people chose me to move in over a good few other people, but then seek to complain about me rather than discuss the issue face to face. This problem doesnt really threaten or bother me too much, as I know that I cannot be forced out, as Im under a contract. Plus their reasons wont even warrant enough power should they want me out at the end of the contract. I keep trying to believe in mankind and have faith that there are people out there who express love and compassion for me. I show a LOT of compassion to other people, relevant to how much compassion I feel from them.
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The next topic I would like to discuss is Love. This small little, four letter word has been punishing me for quite some time. The hurt is fading, but sometimes it slithers and wraps round my heart like deadly vines, which are alive. For a moment, Im paralysed, in fear. I dont ever know when I should feel such a feeling again. I believe I have only been or loved anyone once. Most of you know who this person was...or used to be. I have the utmost repressed envy for all of you whom Ive met. You're all experiencing this special feeling as you are reading this entry. Some of you have been graced by the magnitude and wonder of Love for quite some time, perhaps even years, but many different people too, friends, family and especially that one most amazing person who captures your heart in just a glimpse.
You all are so very incredibly lucky. As you are reading this, I really hope you are thinking of those people, or even that one person who you love dearly. Do not let them go, battle through every war, endure every heartache, because those strong enough to fight and survive through a detrimental shitstorm and hard times, are the hardest of hearts, the keeper of love. A reminiscent paradise of which for many people are just but a clandestine utopia, never appearing upon their present earth, or speculating among their everyday life. Love to some is but a dream, and others bask in the glory of the most delightful clouds and strikingly clear blue skies.
Do not be afraid to show your love to the people who do you love.
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I apologise to everyone who Ive snapped at, been moody towards and misunderstood their intentions, actions or words. For every person I do talk to, I do it out of choice and affection. I only have the purest of intentions, and that is to be liked, or even loved. There is a person who I care about more than just a friend, but she might not ever know because of my fear I have for rejection. But instead of worrying myself and enduring the possible craptastic heartache, I shall enjoy the pleasure of her company as much as I can and wishes that she too finds that one person who will bring her joy, love and compassion, even if that person isnt me.
I wont ever stop searching for happiness. But Im growing tired of this long and most difficult journey. Especially concerning the female fatalistics, they are such a wonderful and amazing species, but they have a devastating amount of power. For the moment, I am just going to take a ride in the backseat, feel the breeze desperately blasting my face, the sunshine gleaming into my eyes, trying to pierce my fierce determination, calming me, relaxing and telling me to enjoy life and stop searching so hard. Happiness belongs to the happy, but for now, I will enjoy climbing the tower of perdition and releasing myself wholly from my past and all its afflictions.
Happiness here I come, will you be waiting?
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