Hey friends, lovers, stalkers?! Welcome back to my seemingly awesome blog :)
Earlier tonight, I felt fantastic. This reason for this, was because I gave some money to charity. No, I didnt simply stick some pennies into a collectors pot. Sitting comfy? Okay, I shall tell you about it.
I was walking home from work tonight, and for working so damn hard, my boss let me take home a pizza :D I usually take the underpass to cross the main road by the museum. As I was approaching the underpass, I saw a homeless guy with just a sleeping blanket. I fished into my pocket where I KNEW I had some change, and had about £1.50, I got this ready in my hand, and as I passed him, I stopped and gave him my change, I wished him a good night. After about 20 steps, I realised I had cut up my pizza and split it into 3 boxes so they would fit neatly into my rucksack. I stopped, turned around, and reapproached the homeless guy. I asked him if he was hungry (yeah I know, silly question!) He said yes, so I unzipped my bag and took out one of the boxes and gave it to him, he seemed so happy! I wished him a good night again, then set off to my journey home. Whilst doing so, I had an amazing sense of achievement and happiness, I actually physically grinned as I was walking haha :D So, my brief happiness was caused by giving to this homeless guy, that small donation made a whole world of difference to him, and it also gave him hope, that there are still people who care in this world. This brings me to 2 more points I need to make on this subject.
Recently Ive been watching the anime "Full Metal Alchemist" and its based on this series in which 2 brothers, who are alchemists go in search of the ultimate alchemy tool. However, on the way, they discover many people who choose to abuse the power of alchemy and use it for the wrong reasons. Im going to quote a line from the series, which I think is very fitting to my little story above.
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"To create, something of equal value must be lost. This is the principle of Equivalent Exchange, that gain requires sacrifice"
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Now, explaining this to fit the topic at hand: I sacrificed some money that I wont really miss and some food which was a reward for my hard work, for the happiness of a homeless man who will have a much better night now. My gain was happiness, which was a reward for my sacrifice. I hope I have explained this well enough for you awesome readers to understand :D
Point number 2!
I am hoping to extend my good deed earlier and actually turn it into a project. I am going to find a way to reach out and help the homeless people all across Cardiff. I have been homeless several times and its not pretty. Its scary, lonely and incredibly frightening. I would ideally like to hire out a building with a grant and set up a homeless shelter, so people have somewhere warm to spend the night, and I will even use my awesome cooking skills to cook meals for the homeless too. There has to be somewhere like this already in Cardiff, it would be devasting if I learn that there are no facilites around to help such people. This is a goal to be added to Project SYLO.
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Project SYLO Progress!
This is a preliminary report, as all the targets of the project have yet to be met due to circumstances I cannot control and facilities I do not have, as of yet.
1. Quitting Relentless - A few withdrawals, but not uncontrollable. I could live happily without this drink.
2. No fizzy drinks. Did a test the other day after a week of the new diet, and it tore my insides apart! I felt rubbish, so much air in my gut and just made me feel awful, didnt really taste that nice either (I had Dr. Pepper) So THATS the worst that could happen, TAKE THAT!
3. Sleep before 1am. I wake up for about 9am, but I think I could trim up to an hour off this, especially when I really get into my gym training. It really is nice to see the mornings again and just laze around for a few hours before work and such :D
4. No eating after 10pm. Although many people think this is rubbish, its done me a LOT of good. My digestive system has been amazing. I dont feel bloated and horrible in the morning. I am feeling quite hungry around this time, but this will help with my diet, because I'll be able to handle a fairly big breakfast in the morning. This has been a HUGE success. Thanks to Kikijui (fellow blogger!) for the tip :)
5. No chocolate/junk food. AMAZING success! Ive had a couple of cravings for something a little lush, but have held back. However my gym trainer says that I should treat myself once a week, as he thought my whole project seemed a little harsh and that I should have at least a small amount of enjoyment from it haha! My only real treat aside from the crap is Flapjack, which I am LOVING!
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So far my project is a roaring success! I am very happy and incredibly proud of the changes I have made and the differences Ive seen :D This week sees the start of my gym weight training program. This is the next major step of project SYLO and will no doubt be a lot tougher than these smaller goals above. Diet and training will be the key focus point of this entire project.
I hope I havent bored you too much! But I also hope that you have had a great read and enjoyed what I have written. Even if you have learnt only one thing from this, its all been worth it. And no, I dont mean learnt one thing about me, Im hoping that from my entries you'll learn something about yourself, the way you wanna change your life, or how differently you wish to see or experience the world. Remember, we limit ourselves. Set yourself free, open your mind and we can accomplish anything!
Seeker Out!
Monday, 28 February 2011
Sunday, 27 February 2011
A Vision of Beauty
Ive noticed its been a whole 4 days since I last posted..I hope you lovely people who are reading this can forgive me for depriving you of your precious entitlement to my blog :P Whoever is reading this, I would suspect cares for me on some level, and thank you for reading, you have allowed yourself to be immersed inside the inner workings of the most amazing and complex group of electrodes you probably know.... my mind :)
Tonight, I would like to talk about beauty, in all forms. In this world, there are such incredible saturations of natural, splendid beauty. Each day we may see an extremely high number of objects which exude some form of beauty, even man made. Everything we see and interpret as beauty must be appreciated. It seems to me that too many people walk around with their heads to the ground, completey excluding the world from their view, they may as well be blind, only then to insult the blind people who could not choose to be excluded with the precious sense of sight.
The invention of technology has vastly infected this world. We have become lazy and ignorant. In the times without technology, and probably a long time before, people were highly creative in the most natural sense. Wood Carvings, stone formations, all type of paintings and art, musical instruments...all these are so perfectly beautiful. Also, the resources to do some of these are becoming increasingly harder to obtain. Ive always wanted to do wood carvings, but have not found anywhere that teaches this. Of course, I can teach myself, but thats not the point. The point is that is I cant find a class that will teach this, then creative ability is being diminished in respect to this certain craft.
I work next to Cardiff Castle, I still havent been inside or had a look around yet, but I sure do plan to. I live near a beautiful bay and there are many amazing parks and natural grounds still to be seen. Ever so slowly, all this greenery and historic monuments are being crowded or even destroyed by modern technology or rather, society. Sure, there is plenty of fields when you venture out into the country, but even some of that is farmland and its a long way from home. When the government announced their wish to buy a public forest, it outraged everyone, and I didnt even think they gave it a single thought as to why it would be a bad idea. Such idiots trying to monopolise land to save their own arses! The point Im trying to make is to try your best to realise the natural beauty around you, in your local area and appreciate it in someway. Because they are the moments you should truly hold in your heart, not the storyline of a soap or the new phone thats coming out.
If you are still reading, my awesome friends, then I thank you. Hopefully by now you have an idea of how much I chat rubbish haha! So you can decide to stop reading future blogs, I know they are text heavy, so I do apologise. I thank you for reading all this. I only hope Im delivery a good read, if there are any topics you would like to me express an opinion about, then please do post a comment below with a suggestion, or even send me a message on Facebook.
I shall deliver an entry with my first week of Project SYLO very soon, Im sure some of you are excited to hear about it <3
Tonight, I would like to talk about beauty, in all forms. In this world, there are such incredible saturations of natural, splendid beauty. Each day we may see an extremely high number of objects which exude some form of beauty, even man made. Everything we see and interpret as beauty must be appreciated. It seems to me that too many people walk around with their heads to the ground, completey excluding the world from their view, they may as well be blind, only then to insult the blind people who could not choose to be excluded with the precious sense of sight.
The invention of technology has vastly infected this world. We have become lazy and ignorant. In the times without technology, and probably a long time before, people were highly creative in the most natural sense. Wood Carvings, stone formations, all type of paintings and art, musical instruments...all these are so perfectly beautiful. Also, the resources to do some of these are becoming increasingly harder to obtain. Ive always wanted to do wood carvings, but have not found anywhere that teaches this. Of course, I can teach myself, but thats not the point. The point is that is I cant find a class that will teach this, then creative ability is being diminished in respect to this certain craft.
I work next to Cardiff Castle, I still havent been inside or had a look around yet, but I sure do plan to. I live near a beautiful bay and there are many amazing parks and natural grounds still to be seen. Ever so slowly, all this greenery and historic monuments are being crowded or even destroyed by modern technology or rather, society. Sure, there is plenty of fields when you venture out into the country, but even some of that is farmland and its a long way from home. When the government announced their wish to buy a public forest, it outraged everyone, and I didnt even think they gave it a single thought as to why it would be a bad idea. Such idiots trying to monopolise land to save their own arses! The point Im trying to make is to try your best to realise the natural beauty around you, in your local area and appreciate it in someway. Because they are the moments you should truly hold in your heart, not the storyline of a soap or the new phone thats coming out.
If you are still reading, my awesome friends, then I thank you. Hopefully by now you have an idea of how much I chat rubbish haha! So you can decide to stop reading future blogs, I know they are text heavy, so I do apologise. I thank you for reading all this. I only hope Im delivery a good read, if there are any topics you would like to me express an opinion about, then please do post a comment below with a suggestion, or even send me a message on Facebook.
I shall deliver an entry with my first week of Project SYLO very soon, Im sure some of you are excited to hear about it <3
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Responsibility and a splash of Happiness
Hello awesome readers =D
First out, I am going to start with Responsibilty. Well, lack thereof!
RESPONSIBILITY!
It annoys me that there are so many people today expressing complete ignorance to the people around them. Feigining interest yet lacking responsibility. This has been bugging me for a good couple of months now. Ever since I started my counselling studies, I have been observing people more closely. They probably dont feel my eyes examining their posture, their body language or my ears picking up on their fatal tone of sarcasm. But oh boy, its there alright and Im watching you like a hawk. Do you know why? Because you make people feel like shit!
Its people like this who fail to take responsibility for their own actions, words, behaviour. Everything we do has a ripple effect, no matter how small. But there are a great, vast number of people who BLAME their own actions and words on other people, saying that it was them who caused this reaction. NO! You have a choice in what words come out of your mouth and the way you treat people. Please take responsibility for this. If I have had an extremely shit day at work (which is rare, I may add) then I dont come home, talk to my friends like shit, then blame work for the way I am. No, I am simply being IGNORANT. Thats right, the word I used in the paragraph above.
Ignorance and responsibility tie in quite neatly here I think :)
Now onto Happiness, and no, its not going to be a 'happy' statement. Its going to be one of realism and stark, painful reality. As much as I obsess to be a dreamer and an idealistic socialist, I am always very aware and observant that reality has very much grounded us. Lets begin.
HAPPINESS!
Now, I have gone through most of my life being dreadfully neglected, and no, this isnt a sympathy call, I wont give you my number. This is me telling you straight. I wont attempt to try and descibe what happiness is right now, because thats not the point of this entry. This entry is about the use of happiness and what comes with it.
First of all, happiness comes from within, no one is going to come down with a silver platter and present to you happiness on a plate, Im sorry, it just doesnt work like that. Happiness has to be GAINED. Much like exp in any and all great RPG games (apart from FFX, cos of the weird sphere grid thingy...anyway!) So yeah, we gain it, in a way, we kind of earn it. Thats of course, if you believe in granting yourself happiness. Presenting my view on happiness this way is not me being pessimistic, of course not. I am simply stating that it would be foolish to present your heart on a plate to anyone who is feeling hungry. So, you're a loner, thats right, you. Suppose so, humour yourself. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Now that person is your whole damn world and you love spending every waking breath with them. But she has a life, she other interests and hobbies that consume a lot of her time. She is the most interesting and fascinating person you have ever met. Then something terrible happens, oh no! They tell you that they do not wish to spend time with you anymore, yes you, the loner remember? Now she's made this decision, its her will and her command. Do you see my point here? - Their happiness does not falter -
You need to ensure that your happiness is owned by only you, no one else can hold that. Or rather, you must not let anyone else hold this, because it will ultimately destroy you as it has done me a few times in the past. I do apologise for this being a bit pessimistic, but for those lovely people who are reading this, you all know that I am a person with a big heart and many dreams, so pessimism is not my constant. Im far too complex for a one path view :P
HUZZAH!!
Now I shall end it here, also with a congratulations. Yes, to you, my relentless viewers. I have both appreciation and admiration for wading through that awful troth of words above these bunch of jumbled words. I write in hastiness and I write from exact though, my fingers do not leave the keyboard once I start typing. So now that my writing style can be erratic and random. But in essence, I always mean the best. If only one person has learnt something from reading this, then my purpose has been served. I have reached one heart. My career will hopefully see me serve many more.
Goodnight you smexy people <3
First out, I am going to start with Responsibilty. Well, lack thereof!
RESPONSIBILITY!
It annoys me that there are so many people today expressing complete ignorance to the people around them. Feigining interest yet lacking responsibility. This has been bugging me for a good couple of months now. Ever since I started my counselling studies, I have been observing people more closely. They probably dont feel my eyes examining their posture, their body language or my ears picking up on their fatal tone of sarcasm. But oh boy, its there alright and Im watching you like a hawk. Do you know why? Because you make people feel like shit!
Its people like this who fail to take responsibility for their own actions, words, behaviour. Everything we do has a ripple effect, no matter how small. But there are a great, vast number of people who BLAME their own actions and words on other people, saying that it was them who caused this reaction. NO! You have a choice in what words come out of your mouth and the way you treat people. Please take responsibility for this. If I have had an extremely shit day at work (which is rare, I may add) then I dont come home, talk to my friends like shit, then blame work for the way I am. No, I am simply being IGNORANT. Thats right, the word I used in the paragraph above.
Ignorance and responsibility tie in quite neatly here I think :)
Now onto Happiness, and no, its not going to be a 'happy' statement. Its going to be one of realism and stark, painful reality. As much as I obsess to be a dreamer and an idealistic socialist, I am always very aware and observant that reality has very much grounded us. Lets begin.
HAPPINESS!
Now, I have gone through most of my life being dreadfully neglected, and no, this isnt a sympathy call, I wont give you my number. This is me telling you straight. I wont attempt to try and descibe what happiness is right now, because thats not the point of this entry. This entry is about the use of happiness and what comes with it.
First of all, happiness comes from within, no one is going to come down with a silver platter and present to you happiness on a plate, Im sorry, it just doesnt work like that. Happiness has to be GAINED. Much like exp in any and all great RPG games (apart from FFX, cos of the weird sphere grid thingy...anyway!) So yeah, we gain it, in a way, we kind of earn it. Thats of course, if you believe in granting yourself happiness. Presenting my view on happiness this way is not me being pessimistic, of course not. I am simply stating that it would be foolish to present your heart on a plate to anyone who is feeling hungry. So, you're a loner, thats right, you. Suppose so, humour yourself. You get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Now that person is your whole damn world and you love spending every waking breath with them. But she has a life, she other interests and hobbies that consume a lot of her time. She is the most interesting and fascinating person you have ever met. Then something terrible happens, oh no! They tell you that they do not wish to spend time with you anymore, yes you, the loner remember? Now she's made this decision, its her will and her command. Do you see my point here? - Their happiness does not falter -
You need to ensure that your happiness is owned by only you, no one else can hold that. Or rather, you must not let anyone else hold this, because it will ultimately destroy you as it has done me a few times in the past. I do apologise for this being a bit pessimistic, but for those lovely people who are reading this, you all know that I am a person with a big heart and many dreams, so pessimism is not my constant. Im far too complex for a one path view :P
HUZZAH!!
Now I shall end it here, also with a congratulations. Yes, to you, my relentless viewers. I have both appreciation and admiration for wading through that awful troth of words above these bunch of jumbled words. I write in hastiness and I write from exact though, my fingers do not leave the keyboard once I start typing. So now that my writing style can be erratic and random. But in essence, I always mean the best. If only one person has learnt something from reading this, then my purpose has been served. I have reached one heart. My career will hopefully see me serve many more.
Goodnight you smexy people <3
Monday, 21 February 2011
A New Beginning
I am the Seeker of Happiness and this is a complete reboot of my own personal development program, simply entitled "Project SYLO"
The idea for this project first formed about 10 months after my ex broke my heart. I was August 2009 and I was devasted, my world shattered. Summer 2010 - I realised I was slowly dragging myself down to the deepest pits of depression, almost as if I was 18. But NO! I realised. I am an adult now, I have the power to change my life, more importantly, I had the will, the hunger, to better myself in almost every way I could think of. I procrastinated for a few months, trying to figure out all the ideas/targets and goals for this brand new, life-changing, self enhancing project. It needed a lot of thought and planning before I could even contemplate putting it into action.
As a teenager, I was bullied, isolated and had very few friends and I could not trust any single person, not even my family. I was very skinny as a child and was relentless bullied and taunted and made fun of. Although terrifying at the time, I have drawn strength from these times and used the feelings I felt back then, as fuel for my motivation to better myself. Having no control as a young child and perhaps even as a teenager was terrible.
Now at 25, I have an extreme understanding of the way the world works and how people interact, it fascinates me. I now had the awareness to know that I can make a difference, to the world, and more importantly, to myself. I want to become stronger, faster, smarter, more kind, considerate and respectful to whoever I connect with and try as hard as I can to make a great deal of difference to the world in which I will soon immerse myself in.
The beginning of 2011. A new beginning, time to shine and rise from the disdained life I lead previously. February 2011 - A collosal change, circumstantial happenings forced my hand on a plan that was not to be launced until at least 6 months time. But, I braved the situation, and recently made the transitional lifestyle. So here I am, living alone in Cardiff, in a great house, with some warm, welcoming and friendly housemates. A new job and even a date on Wednesday!
Project SYLO is almost ready for take off. Before I begin to list my targets, I shall let you readers know that I very rarely drink alcohol, I do not smoke and I certainly do not indulge myself with any form of drugs. Yet, I still have improvements and goals I wish to attain.
Please excuse the rather excessive babbling. I enjoy writing, as you can probably tell. Now, you are perhaps wondering after reading the past two, long paragraphs as to what my targets are for this project. I will also include desireable changes and restrictions. If you are wondering, or if you are not, I shall list them below:
Banished Habits! -
NO chocolate
NO sweets
NO cakes or biscuits
NO microwave-able food
NO fizzy drinks
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Proposed targets for the rest of 2011
- Look 'like' Craig Horner *drool* (Google him)
- In bed by 1am LATEST!
- 300 situps a day
- Keep to a strict diet
- Workouts/Gym at least 4 times a week
- Get to a dentist and sort teeth out!
- Save at least £40 a week
- Write more poetry
- Write stories and general
- Draw more -get artistically creative
- Read more books
- Complete the 'Sword of Truth' bookset by Terry Goodkind (13 books lol)
- Play scrabble competitively
- Become more fluent in Swedish
- Get at least 2 professional photoshoots
- Visit one place in the world I havent been
- No food after 10pm
I believe there are still a few targets I would like to add to this list, but as this is a personal development project, Im sure there are many more targets I'd like to add during the course of my project. I will edit them in and update accordingly. I shall make an update of my proposed workout plan AND a rough daily diet.
I am not quite sure what to write about right now. I think I would just like to draw attention to the fact that we can all draw out a plan and hope that we abide by it. But this needs a great willpower and an incredibly strict enforcement, within yourself and perhaps with the support from friends.
Thank you for reading thus far. I do hope to gain support from as many people as I can. It would be fantastic to draw an awareness to anyone out there wishing to make a change in their life and wanting to improve themselves and reach as many people as I can. I apologise if this entry lacks precision or direction. I believe this is my writing style. I will fill in as many gaps as possible in the proceeding posts should there be any queries.
I am the Seeker of Happiness, and my journey begins.
The idea for this project first formed about 10 months after my ex broke my heart. I was August 2009 and I was devasted, my world shattered. Summer 2010 - I realised I was slowly dragging myself down to the deepest pits of depression, almost as if I was 18. But NO! I realised. I am an adult now, I have the power to change my life, more importantly, I had the will, the hunger, to better myself in almost every way I could think of. I procrastinated for a few months, trying to figure out all the ideas/targets and goals for this brand new, life-changing, self enhancing project. It needed a lot of thought and planning before I could even contemplate putting it into action.
As a teenager, I was bullied, isolated and had very few friends and I could not trust any single person, not even my family. I was very skinny as a child and was relentless bullied and taunted and made fun of. Although terrifying at the time, I have drawn strength from these times and used the feelings I felt back then, as fuel for my motivation to better myself. Having no control as a young child and perhaps even as a teenager was terrible.
Now at 25, I have an extreme understanding of the way the world works and how people interact, it fascinates me. I now had the awareness to know that I can make a difference, to the world, and more importantly, to myself. I want to become stronger, faster, smarter, more kind, considerate and respectful to whoever I connect with and try as hard as I can to make a great deal of difference to the world in which I will soon immerse myself in.
The beginning of 2011. A new beginning, time to shine and rise from the disdained life I lead previously. February 2011 - A collosal change, circumstantial happenings forced my hand on a plan that was not to be launced until at least 6 months time. But, I braved the situation, and recently made the transitional lifestyle. So here I am, living alone in Cardiff, in a great house, with some warm, welcoming and friendly housemates. A new job and even a date on Wednesday!
Project SYLO is almost ready for take off. Before I begin to list my targets, I shall let you readers know that I very rarely drink alcohol, I do not smoke and I certainly do not indulge myself with any form of drugs. Yet, I still have improvements and goals I wish to attain.
Please excuse the rather excessive babbling. I enjoy writing, as you can probably tell. Now, you are perhaps wondering after reading the past two, long paragraphs as to what my targets are for this project. I will also include desireable changes and restrictions. If you are wondering, or if you are not, I shall list them below:
Banished Habits! -
NO chocolate
NO sweets
NO cakes or biscuits
NO microwave-able food
NO fizzy drinks
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Proposed targets for the rest of 2011
- Look 'like' Craig Horner *drool* (Google him)
- In bed by 1am LATEST!
- 300 situps a day
- Keep to a strict diet
- Workouts/Gym at least 4 times a week
- Get to a dentist and sort teeth out!
- Save at least £40 a week
- Write more poetry
- Write stories and general
- Draw more -get artistically creative
- Read more books
- Complete the 'Sword of Truth' bookset by Terry Goodkind (13 books lol)
- Play scrabble competitively
- Become more fluent in Swedish
- Get at least 2 professional photoshoots
- Visit one place in the world I havent been
- No food after 10pm
I believe there are still a few targets I would like to add to this list, but as this is a personal development project, Im sure there are many more targets I'd like to add during the course of my project. I will edit them in and update accordingly. I shall make an update of my proposed workout plan AND a rough daily diet.
I am not quite sure what to write about right now. I think I would just like to draw attention to the fact that we can all draw out a plan and hope that we abide by it. But this needs a great willpower and an incredibly strict enforcement, within yourself and perhaps with the support from friends.
Thank you for reading thus far. I do hope to gain support from as many people as I can. It would be fantastic to draw an awareness to anyone out there wishing to make a change in their life and wanting to improve themselves and reach as many people as I can. I apologise if this entry lacks precision or direction. I believe this is my writing style. I will fill in as many gaps as possible in the proceeding posts should there be any queries.
I am the Seeker of Happiness, and my journey begins.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Wow...
What a really frustrating day....had to work a 12 hour shift, and only had a 30 minute break in which I had to travel a mile home, have a shower, make something to eat and then go to another place of work...wasnt even a break! Then had to stay behind half an hour later because Damian cocked up the balance of til, so we had to find the error...wont even get paid for staying that extra fucking time...
Then I heard one of my favourite regulars died, he was really keen on me, we got on really well....Im gonna find out when his funeral is. I didnt even know his name, yet he knew mine...it doesnt seem justified.
Then Ottilia just decided to tell me to leave her alone. All I told her was I missed her and we dont talk as much anymore...so now Ive lost yet another fucking friend, and I dont even know why! Life is on a downward spiral for me atm...Im sure it will pick up within a couple of weeks...but right now, I feel really shitty and unloved and unhappy and resentful to everyone.
Atm, I really love listening to Ellie Goulding sing live, and watching her on youtube. She is so incredibly attractive and she has an amazing voice, can play the guitar and drums....must be great to posses so many talents and perform them together. I also love "In another life we must be cats" by maybeshewill...Its a really great track for chilling out to, and getting rid of some anger.
I dont know....May I find just a shimmer of happiness soon...
Then I heard one of my favourite regulars died, he was really keen on me, we got on really well....Im gonna find out when his funeral is. I didnt even know his name, yet he knew mine...it doesnt seem justified.
Then Ottilia just decided to tell me to leave her alone. All I told her was I missed her and we dont talk as much anymore...so now Ive lost yet another fucking friend, and I dont even know why! Life is on a downward spiral for me atm...Im sure it will pick up within a couple of weeks...but right now, I feel really shitty and unloved and unhappy and resentful to everyone.
Atm, I really love listening to Ellie Goulding sing live, and watching her on youtube. She is so incredibly attractive and she has an amazing voice, can play the guitar and drums....must be great to posses so many talents and perform them together. I also love "In another life we must be cats" by maybeshewill...Its a really great track for chilling out to, and getting rid of some anger.
I dont know....May I find just a shimmer of happiness soon...
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!
I am so fucking pissed off at everything right now! People bitching about me at the Amsterdam ITG Tournament, even when Im not there, they cant even shut their mouth about me for one minutes, they wanna do anything they can to make other people think Im a fucking asshole! Maybe I should start acting like a fucking evil demon just to please them!
Of all the good I try and accomplish in my life, I get bit in the fucking big steel balls that I have, cos god help me, they need to be steel, the amount of shit people give me. I work so damn hard and people always seem to want tp put me down or see me fail and when Im doing well, there is no damn praise, just false words from false faces.
I sometimes wish I had the power of god and could really make a difference in this world. Where have all the kind hearted people gone? Forgiveness has practically been abolished by general society, with liberation members hard to find, I am part of that liberation. Of all the shit people have given me, I have pretty much forgiven most of them in my heart, but I know that people I have upset will always feel resentment and anger towards me...why cant I be released from their emotional wrath and why cant they unbind themselves from the rage for me that burns inside. Is their life that much in need of seeking redemption for my upset?
Also, Im holding myself back...in everything, in life, in myself. I can become such a damn great personal, a visual enhancement, a spectacle for people to believe in and have faith towards. I want to seek redemption for myself and for all I have to my friends in the past who are friends no more...I want to do so much for myself so maybe, just maybe, even I will make myself proud for once in my damned hellish emotional shithole of a life. I want to become faster, stronger, more skilled at my passions in life, drawing, writing, being creative. I want to become more intelligent, I want to learn the 2 languages Ive started showing an interest in.
If this doesnt make sense to whoever the hell is reading this (and why the fuck you are reading this, who the fuck am I? NOONE!) then I apologise, Im writing this in a time of extreme frustration, confusion, a passion for bloodlust than love. To all the fuckers that hate me, want me dead, or just plain dont like me, then dont be fake to me. Ignore me, kick me when Im down, but dont you dare be all nice and fluffy like a fucking pink cloud, to my face and then bitch about me and hold the sharpest knife in your hand the moment my back is turned.
I still have faith in this world, that there are genuine people who are really fucking kind, non violent and want to share their joy, peace, love and forgiveness for everyone to embrace. I am the Seeker of Happiness for a reason, and yet I have found no answer. I will forever be the holder of this name and will always stand by what I have faith in. That one day the world will be all peachy and smell like the most amazing perfume created. I will be walking around and seeing raindrops in the shape of hearts.
I am the Seeker of Happiness and I have began my journey. What journey are you on?
Of all the good I try and accomplish in my life, I get bit in the fucking big steel balls that I have, cos god help me, they need to be steel, the amount of shit people give me. I work so damn hard and people always seem to want tp put me down or see me fail and when Im doing well, there is no damn praise, just false words from false faces.
I sometimes wish I had the power of god and could really make a difference in this world. Where have all the kind hearted people gone? Forgiveness has practically been abolished by general society, with liberation members hard to find, I am part of that liberation. Of all the shit people have given me, I have pretty much forgiven most of them in my heart, but I know that people I have upset will always feel resentment and anger towards me...why cant I be released from their emotional wrath and why cant they unbind themselves from the rage for me that burns inside. Is their life that much in need of seeking redemption for my upset?
Also, Im holding myself back...in everything, in life, in myself. I can become such a damn great personal, a visual enhancement, a spectacle for people to believe in and have faith towards. I want to seek redemption for myself and for all I have to my friends in the past who are friends no more...I want to do so much for myself so maybe, just maybe, even I will make myself proud for once in my damned hellish emotional shithole of a life. I want to become faster, stronger, more skilled at my passions in life, drawing, writing, being creative. I want to become more intelligent, I want to learn the 2 languages Ive started showing an interest in.
If this doesnt make sense to whoever the hell is reading this (and why the fuck you are reading this, who the fuck am I? NOONE!) then I apologise, Im writing this in a time of extreme frustration, confusion, a passion for bloodlust than love. To all the fuckers that hate me, want me dead, or just plain dont like me, then dont be fake to me. Ignore me, kick me when Im down, but dont you dare be all nice and fluffy like a fucking pink cloud, to my face and then bitch about me and hold the sharpest knife in your hand the moment my back is turned.
I still have faith in this world, that there are genuine people who are really fucking kind, non violent and want to share their joy, peace, love and forgiveness for everyone to embrace. I am the Seeker of Happiness for a reason, and yet I have found no answer. I will forever be the holder of this name and will always stand by what I have faith in. That one day the world will be all peachy and smell like the most amazing perfume created. I will be walking around and seeing raindrops in the shape of hearts.
I am the Seeker of Happiness and I have began my journey. What journey are you on?
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Here we go...
So after years of not wanting to have an online blog, Ive decided to create a new one. Ive grown from the way I used to post before, or at least I can only try to be less depressing in my blog posts! Also this site seems more mature than other blogging sites...
I guess I have one main goal right now, and there will be a few people who are aware of what this is haha! Basically Ive been a stupid pussy most of my life, used to get bullied for being a "twig" and "stick thin" etc. So Ive decided I want to bulk up. This requires me to eat at least every 3 hours during the day, including a snack right before bedtime to repair muscle tissue and help it grow.
My diet will consist of a very high protein content along with a fairly high carb content. Fats are not so important, but I am making sure I get one decent serving of meat each day to ensure a good fat maintenance.
Typical foods from breakfast through to bedtime are:
2/3 slices of wholemeal toast with banana
Jacket Potato with tuna/mayo OR Prawns with dressing
Peanuts
Protein Shake
Pasta OR Noodles with one big serving of fresh meat
Protein Shake
2 slices of wholemeal toast OR Tuna sandwich
(More)Peanuts lol
It doesnt seem that much, but I am trying to find other ways of getting carbs and fats into my diet. This is the first proper week. I will be going to weigh myself tomorrow and calculate my body fat percentage and then mark my progress every 2 or 3 weeks...Maybe 3 weeks is best?
The whole purpose of this is to build a healthier, stronger body. I hope to take up some form of martial arts or self defence once I have sufficient energy in my body to ensure I can afford a high output of calories.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE!
After 11 months of being single and fishing through god knows how many girls, I think Ive finally found someone to build a foundation of a relationship. Of course Im gonna take things very slowly this time, been hurt badly twice before, so maybe this is 3rd time lucky? Her name is Rachel (Btw, Ive ALWAYS loved that name, so thats bonus points haha!) and she is 23, got a 6 year old boy who I am still too scared to meet! Its been a week today, so obviously its seriously early days, but so far, no red flags :)
Ive also gained a few new friends in this area who I get on very well with, Im happy about this. I find it hard to trust people, so its nice to have a couple of people who I can build a good friendship with, we'll see what happens there.
I dont want to ramble on, as once I get started, I find it hard to stop, my old blog posts used to run over 3000 words long! Below I'll list my other goals/targets:
Start writing short stories
Write more poetry
Finishing game design concept
Attempt to write a story based on my game design
Read all 13 books by Terry Goodkind (11 are the "Sword of Truth" series)
Get stronger and bulk up
Erm....I cant think of much else right now!
Anyway, I hope I havent bored you readers (if there are any...) in my first blog post! I will definitely be writing some interesting, compelling and exciting topics and ideas in this blog, but all in good time :)
Seeker out!
I guess I have one main goal right now, and there will be a few people who are aware of what this is haha! Basically Ive been a stupid pussy most of my life, used to get bullied for being a "twig" and "stick thin" etc. So Ive decided I want to bulk up. This requires me to eat at least every 3 hours during the day, including a snack right before bedtime to repair muscle tissue and help it grow.
My diet will consist of a very high protein content along with a fairly high carb content. Fats are not so important, but I am making sure I get one decent serving of meat each day to ensure a good fat maintenance.
Typical foods from breakfast through to bedtime are:
2/3 slices of wholemeal toast with banana
Jacket Potato with tuna/mayo OR Prawns with dressing
Peanuts
Protein Shake
Pasta OR Noodles with one big serving of fresh meat
Protein Shake
2 slices of wholemeal toast OR Tuna sandwich
(More)Peanuts lol
It doesnt seem that much, but I am trying to find other ways of getting carbs and fats into my diet. This is the first proper week. I will be going to weigh myself tomorrow and calculate my body fat percentage and then mark my progress every 2 or 3 weeks...Maybe 3 weeks is best?
The whole purpose of this is to build a healthier, stronger body. I hope to take up some form of martial arts or self defence once I have sufficient energy in my body to ensure I can afford a high output of calories.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE!
After 11 months of being single and fishing through god knows how many girls, I think Ive finally found someone to build a foundation of a relationship. Of course Im gonna take things very slowly this time, been hurt badly twice before, so maybe this is 3rd time lucky? Her name is Rachel (Btw, Ive ALWAYS loved that name, so thats bonus points haha!) and she is 23, got a 6 year old boy who I am still too scared to meet! Its been a week today, so obviously its seriously early days, but so far, no red flags :)
Ive also gained a few new friends in this area who I get on very well with, Im happy about this. I find it hard to trust people, so its nice to have a couple of people who I can build a good friendship with, we'll see what happens there.
I dont want to ramble on, as once I get started, I find it hard to stop, my old blog posts used to run over 3000 words long! Below I'll list my other goals/targets:
Start writing short stories
Write more poetry
Finishing game design concept
Attempt to write a story based on my game design
Read all 13 books by Terry Goodkind (11 are the "Sword of Truth" series)
Get stronger and bulk up
Erm....I cant think of much else right now!
Anyway, I hope I havent bored you readers (if there are any...) in my first blog post! I will definitely be writing some interesting, compelling and exciting topics and ideas in this blog, but all in good time :)
Seeker out!
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